Forget the cake

Yes, well it is my birthday and here I am out whooping it up with all my friends.
Whoop.
Well, that was exhausting. I better get off to bed.

np: "Happy Birthday" - Concrete Blonde ... (and it goes a little something like this:)

well outside in the hall there's a cat fight
it's just after midnight.. I guess I'll be alright
laying out on the floor, drunk and poor
how much longer, how much more
well rock me to sleep... strong and deep
screaming cats they give me the creeps
but aside from all that I feel no pain
staring up at the ceiling stain

smoking out the window
feeling far away
news on the radio
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday

Movin' On Up

I'm up I'm up I'm up.... gggzzzzzzz...

I'm falling into the trap where after I send the Sprog off to school, I've been going back to bed... and staying there much longer than I should. While this is of course oh so good at the time, it's screwing me up because I'm not tired at bed time, therefore I'm staying up WAY too late, we're talking 3am here, and what happens in the morning? You got it... back to bed we go. It's a vicious cycle and I'm trying to break it.

I need to get back to my usual pattern because I GOT A JOB!! Normally I might not be so excited because let's face it, jobs are an evil necessity, but in this case it's a brand new start for me because I'm moving. I was raised in this town, went to school in this town, got the fear of jesus in that small town (nudge nudge John Cougar), but I remember being able to hardly wait to leave here in High School, which I did. Then I came back. After a year I could hardly wait to leave here. Which I did. Then I came back. Two years later off I went again. It's like I have this love hate relationship with the place. On the whole it's not a bad place to live and has done nothing to me personally, but after some time passes it starts to feel very claustrophobic to me and I need to get out. It's one of the bigger towns in this province, as far as small towns go, but still not big enough for me.

I had been interviewed by a local agency who was looking for people and when she asked me how firm I was on moving the The City, how written in stone it was, I told her it was going to happen. I am leaving. The interview ended shortly after but I didn't like the vibe I was getting off her. She said a few things that raised some red flags with me too. I came home from that interview wondering if I should have just taken the job and bought myself some time, then decided no, everything was in place now. And the thought of staying here any longer makes my stomach ache.

I've done well this stint. I've stayed put 12 years, but most of that was for the Sprog, not me. Great place to raise kids as long as you make sure they know there's a whole big world out there they can explore and don't get stuck in that small town way of thinking. But I can't tell you how many times I've sat and stared out this window feeling trapped and depressed, tears trickling down my cheeks, literally watching my life go by full of days of nothingness. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, get up and do it again. And I tried to spice it up. I didn't just sit here feeling sorry for myself. That's not my thang. I reconnected with old friends. I signed up for classes and workshops and seminars attempting to find new niches of people to ingratiate myself to and while I did make some new acquaintances, I didn't succeed in making new friends, friends I could call up and say Hey, let's go to a movie. But I don't feel that's done yet. That's still an open chapter I feel. I've made new connections which will continue in the New Place. Once I get settled I'll reconnect with those people and see where that road goes. Little cryptic, sorry, but I feel that's going to go somewhere and when it does I'll fill in the blanks.

So for many, many reasons I'm so excited. My new job I believe will be basically a quarter of the work I have been doing, for more pay, which ... HEL-LO what's not great about that? I've had to give some things up, and I wrestled with that, but at the end of the day I decided the stress was going to kill me and it wasn't a bad thing. I will be giving up alot of people that have come to rely on me , people that are awaiting my phone call of where I've gone so they can continue to deal with me, and some of those people I am going to miss, others- not so much. But that was another thing I debated before I started the job hunt because I wanted and needed a fresh start.... do I tell these people and start hearing the same voices on the phone like nothing ever changed (cringe) or do I thank them for their many years and say good bye? In the end I decided to take them with me, thinking I'd need my client list to help me get a job and negotiate some decent pay, but in the end it didn't matter. Where I'm going to work already has an established client they do exclusively. And I can't honestly say I'm all that upset about it.

And finally, after many years me and Stormy get to hang out again. With the advent of email, I swear I talk to her more than my friends in the same town, and even though we're really not that far apart, with kids and animals and jobs and family things and lack of cash flow it was hard to get together. But whenever we did we've always had so much fun (I'm thinking of that picture of Brad in the Yearbook and you going 'aaaaaaa' with the hands and I hur t myself with the garumph) . Now we can just hang out and have coffee, go to a movie, or wander around the mall... or SUNDAY AFTERNOON AT CHAPTERS!!! WWHHHEEE!!! I think the Sprog is more excited at having Chapters at her beck and call than anything else in this endeavor. I said to her the other night that I was so excited for her, the opportunities that will be available to her... she just looked at me like yeah whatever... but I was having a moment and I wanted to share. She'll remember I said it sometime down the line and thank me. Hopefully.

So next Monday evening I arrive at Stormy's, and I start the new job Tuesday morning. That's going to be a little rough for the first bit. One advantage of small town life, it only takes you a few minutes to get to work. This will be an adjustment for me. But ya know, when I lived out West I was going to bed at 11, 12 at night and up early, no problem. That's something psychological with me. I guess when I'm happy where I am, physically and/or psychologically, I'm anxious to see a brand new day therefore I'll go to bed early and get up early.

Anyway... strayed a little bit there... so I'll crash at Stormy's during the week while I'm doing my training and looking for a place to live, leaving the Sprog to stay here and finish the last couple weeks of school. She keeps wailing that I'm 'leaving her, abandoning her...' yeah, no Drama Queen tendencies there. I'm only an hour 15 minutes away and I'll be home on the weekends. Originally I hoped to have my house rented by mid month but since everything was so tied up in getting a job and when that would start, I couldn't really do anything until I knew what would happen there. Now it looks like probably I'll have it available by end of December which could be a bad thing, renting wise, considering it's close to Christmas and all . But I'll try to remain optimistic there.

So lots of exciting news for a change. It's going to be hectic and I'm sure there will be stressful times in the next month, but I'm SO happy to be moving to the city it's all gravy to me at this point. When I moved back here with the bairn 12 years ago I said once she got old enough that I wasn't having a heart attack every time she went out the door I would move back to the city. Well, it's happening a few years earlier than I originally planned, but not a moment too soon to save what's left of my sanity.

I hesitate to say it too soon because they always seem to throw some monkey wrench into the plans, but thank you KG's, thank you.

np: " Pretty Vegas" - INXS

Monday Wisdom

" Some people are the bowling ball... and some people are the pin. The question is Peanut, do ya wanna be the ball or the pin?"

Gawd I love Dead Like Me. Mandy Patinkin (sp?) is now my god. I shall pray to him and sacrifice shoes in his honor while I dance naked around a large fire.

Okay... sacrificing shoes is bit extreme.

So the unemployment thing is... going. I kinda zonked out on doing anything productive for say the last week or so, but I saw an ad today for a PRIMO job (benefits and NO WEEKENDS can I get a YEEHAW) and I know the manager, so provided the pay is there it sounds tasty. But it also served to kind of restart the engines that had stalled. Got me all excited again instead of just sitting around being overwhelmed.

Do you remember the movie Mr. Mom? Of course you do. Everybody remembers that movie. Okay, remember when he got laid off and ended up laying around the house, not doing much of anything, wearing the same clothes every day, making grilled cheese sandwiches with the same iron he's ironing clothes with... " This house is a mess Jack, YOU'RE a mess Jack!" with the beard and the flannel shirt he wore for like weeks?

" Mom... can we have real food for supper tonight? PLEASE?"

np: "Reason To Be Beautiful" - Hole

Will Work For Shoes

I may have to retitle this blog 'Diary of the Unemployed'.

Day 1:

Sent sprog off to school and sat on couch drinking Tim's and watched Hell Boy. It was okay. I give it 2 stars out of 5.
So then I showered and cleaned up and after lunch went to pick up Oochie's ashes from the vet. After a brief cry and a few pokes at the ziplock bag they had her in I went to the local 'spiritual' shop (aka witch store) to see if I could find a proper receptacle to keep her in. I didn't find anything today, but I did narrow it down to something Egyptian seeing as they worshipped cats and believed them to be escorts to the Underworld. I'm sure Miss Ooch would find that a most suitable resting place.
After leaving the witch shop with a few goodies I went to a drug store to poke around then did something so vile, so shocking my daughter would disown me if she found out. I went to KFC. *gasp!* Ever since she joined PETA we haven't been allowed to eat KFC. It's been well over a year, almost 2 years I think since I've had it. I enjoyed every succulent morsel and dispersed of all the damning evidence before she got home from school.

Day 2:

This was today, I think. I'm beginning to lose track of time already.
Today I didn't do so well. After sending Sprog off to school I sat/laid on the couch and flicked around vainly trying to find something suitable to watch. Daytime TV SUCKS. So I went to sleep for awhile and woke up sometime before lunch. Having no money to be deccadent I went for a walk and mopped the floor after lunch. Woo hoo. Hold me back. I'm a one woman party just waiting to explode. You better stand back.

Tommorrow sounds just as promising. I see a treadmill, some weights and possibly some cleaning on the agenda. Normally I wouldn't be so lazy, but I promised myself some downtime right after the work ended because I have been working my ass off without a half decent vacation in 18 months. This is long overdue. However it's only been two days and I'm already finding myself wandering restlessly around the house. Maybe if I had some money to go do things it wouldn't be so bad. Ahhh well. I'm trying to just go with the flow and do whatever comes to mind whether it's sleep or walk or mop the floor. This brief down time is all about me and I think I deserve it.

And on another note, two new (?) tv shows have got me hooked. Dead Like Me, which takes over the previous queen of Monday nites Queer As Folk, is absolutely fucking brilliant! That girl, whose name escapes me, there are just no words. " You, little dead girl, are gonna be a grim reaper..." She's droll and caustic... *sniff*... I feel like I know her personally. Fucking hilarious and thought provoking. I love it.

And "My Name is Earl"... ohmydog... LAUGH OUT LOUD hilarious. If you liked Raising Arizona, Fargo, movies of that ilk then you need to be watching My Name Is Earl. Don't ask me what night it's on cause I can't remember. I'm thinking Tuesday maybe. Do yourself a favour and find it and watch it cause it's definitely worth the 30 minutes.

I'm also kinda digging The Office but I have to wonder though... is it only funny to those of us who've worked in offices? Do say... folks that work in electronics at Walmart find it amusing too? The chick in the cosmetic department at Shoppers Drug mart, would she giggle? Maybe when I get a few extra bucks I'll order a pizza and ask the delivery guy what he thinks of it.

np: " I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend"

Holy Demolition Batman

We're in the home stretch of getting this place mucked out and I'm tired. I didn't realize how long it's been since I'd been through some of these old files. I'm trying not to take too long strolling down memory lane looking at these files because we have to be out of here Monday, but looking at this stuff brings back memories of things long forgotten. And it also made me realize what an unbelievable packrat I am! YIKES!

I can hardly wait to get this finished. I just want to be done and be able to relax for a few days before I start the job hunt. A friend's band is playing at a local wantering hole tonight but as of this moment I'm thinking I'll have to pass. If I know I will come in here tomorrow I'll feel less stressed today. What does one have to do with the other you say? When I drink I get incredible hangovers so I know if I go out tonight I will imbibe and therefore tomorrow will be a write off. And besides, I don't think I have anyone to go with anyway. Yes, my life has become that pathetic, hence the burning desire to get things packed up, put away and moved to another place.

So I wish those boys that are supposed to be in here moving the big stuff would get their asses back here. They've moved two desks, two filing cabinets but they've been MIA for the last 45 minutes while I have two chairs and a box out on the street out front to hold the parking spot for the truck.

But on a slightly better note, I've gotten more into the Halloween spirit. I usually LOVE Halloween, and I still do, to the point I think it should be a national holiday, but this year I'm just not as fanatical about it. Probably all the general upheavel lately, plus the weather's not been cooperating either with all the rain and such. But last night I put some crosses in the yard, scattered some bones, wrapped a body in a sheet and laid a shovel nearby, splattered some blood around the scene and it feels a little more Halloweenish. I have NO idea about a costume though, which I usually have planned out by July. Halloween night I'll do something I'm sure, but I'm just not feeling the whole scaring the crap out of the kids mode I'm usually in. And believe me, I go WHOLE HOG with the fog machine, scary sounds CD blasting out the window, house in darkness and me dressed in full gothic horror opening the door yelling "WHAT DO YOU WANT! SPEAK OR BE BANISHED!" ahahhahahaahh good times good times.

np: "Bloodletting" - Concrete Blond

Let's Review

In the interest of chronicling my life so I may one day look back on it and chuckle... let's go back over the last 3 months or so.

My puppy dog has massive epileptic seizure he never comes out of and I must put him down.

A few months go by and all is okay... UNTIL... a few weeks ago when my boss tells me the business is closing.

OCH

After 12 years I am suddenly unemployed. While I am very upset this happened, there is a whole other part of me that is actually happy because I have been thinking of moving for the last year or so and now I realize I can. I have enough experience under my belt that I'm not concerned about finding another job and as proof, I've already been contacted by another company and I'm not even finished up here yet. So while I'm certainly sad to see a business fold that's lasted 20 years, and I'll miss my boss cause he was the best boss EVER... I am equally as excited to get out of this boring ass town and back to the city.

So we had the job thing... then... last Saturday we wake up to find my daughter's fish died. I feel badly for her. She cries, I console, we bury it, then she asks for a puppy.

But the worst of all... the absolute worst... one of my cats... mah baby... my soul mate in kat form... the ying to my human yang... is not looking so good. Granted my baby is 15 yrs old and has had a plethora of health problems over the years, to the point I've often reminded her when she's given me attitude that she better take that somewhere else for the amount of money I've spent on vet bills over the years. I had noticed she had started limping and was spending alot of time sleeping, so I kept a close eye on her and after a few days when she didn't appear to shake it off, I called the vet and off we went.

They kept her for 3 days and did what they could, but it wasn't enough. She wouldn't eat. All her muscles had deteriorated, she was anemic, she had ulcers in her mouth. When I went in this past Wed to see her and the vet took her to me I broke down as I hugged her. It was pretty obvious she had one foot in the grave. She looked so horrible. The pain was written all over her face and yet, when I hugged her and kissed her, she purred and meowed, obviously happy to see her momma. She leaned into me and tried to kiss me, but her mouth hurt so bad she couldn't stick her tongue out so she just touched her nose to my forehead to let me know she tried.

*heavy sigh*

The vet advised me they could treat her, but it would be merely maintainting her as she was, which there was no way I could make her go through that. He said I would never get her back to the way she was.

So with alot of tears and a heavy heart I did what I had to do for my baby. I stayed with her and hugged her and kissed her and gently, peacefully, released her from her pain. It was actually alot less traumatic than I thought it would be, and he didn't rush me out, letting me continue patting her and hugging her until I was ready to let her go.

There will never be another cat like Oochie. Yes, that's right... 'Oochie'... like hoochie, without the 'H'. It was a slang term I heard a looonnngg time ago when I first got her as a baby kitten only 2 or 3 months old. I said Hmmmm... Oochie... how do you like that name? And she looked at me, meowed and went back to what she was doing, so Oochie it was. Whenever someone would ask I would tell them it was old Native word meaning 'BitchCat'.

She was so close to human it was frightening. She had perfected the art of the dirty look to the point my sister was afraid of her. I had a bond with her like I've never had with any other animal. I'd talk to her and she'd answer with a combination of chirps and purrs and meows, or sighs if she found me particularly irritating that day. My father called her 'Itchy Bitchy' and the vet asked me one time why I even kept such a cranky cat to which I informed him 'Because I love her! She's mah baby!' Oochie never liked him. She saved her best dirty looks for him. He eventually warmed up to her but they definitely had a mutual hate for each other in the beginning.

But she loved her mama and always let me know. She'd sleep around the top of my head and purr me to sleep, and if I turned my head to face the other way she'd get up and turn around so she was near my face, not the back of my head. I drove her crazy one night turning back and forth just to see if she'd keep changing position. She did every time.

She drove across Canada with me when we moved to BC, and flew back home with me when it was time to return. You could open the car door and ask her if she wanted to go for a drive and she'd hop into the passenger seat, sit there primly and look at me like she was asking where we're off to now.

I'll never forget when we brought Cayman the puppy home. She looked at me as of to say 'What the HELL are you doing?!' Then she looked at him with obvious disgust, shot me another dirty look, sighed, then huffed and walked away like 'That's it man. I am outta here.'

When the movie Stuart Little came out everyone who saw it said Snowball reminded them of Oochie. I had taken to calling her Queen Oochifur over the years for her diva-like attitude.

So please, Karma Gods, I don't know if this is part of the Grand Plan and if I'll see the purpose for all this hopefully sooner rather than later, but NO MORE GOD DAMMIT!!! You crossed the line when you took my cat! I LOVED that cat! Okay granted she was 15 years old but STILL!!! I'm sure she would have lived forever if you hadn't intervened.

I miss mah baby. Alot. When everything felt like shit in a cesspool she was the one bright spot I could always count on. Unconditional love. There's nothing like a little lick on the end of the nose from your favourite furry friend when everything's falling down around you.

I'll see you again Miss Ooch and try not to kick the shit out of Cayman too bad while you wait for us. I'm sure there's rules about these things, even on the Other Side.

np: "Light Years" Pearl Jam

Shit ... meet fan

Well I can't say I wasn't forewarned.
I can't say I didn't see it coming.
I hoped it wouldn't. But of course my luck just isn't that good.
I was like the little dutch boy with his finger in the damn, trying vainly to stop that impending floodwaters from breaking through and drowning everything in it's path.
I've felt on the verge of something... something big for the past couple months. Right now I'm too stunned and heartbroken to figure out if this will be a good or bad thing. There is a part of me that's jumping up and down in glee, rejoicing that that I'm finally free from the shackles that held me bound to a life I was smothering in.
But another part of me... the part that just likes to coast and go with the flow is already popping tylenol and reaching for the wine.

*sigh*

I have options. I'm not concerned to the point I'm freaking out. I'm sad it came to this. It feels like a large part of my life has come to an end. Perhaps I'm overdramatizing but that's how I feel at this moment.

But that little guy that's jumping up and down inside me is asking if I'm fucking crazy... this is what I've been waiting for. Someone made the decision for me and I should be thrilled.

Maybe I will be in a few days, after the shock wears off. If it was just me I had to worry about I'd have been gone five minutes after the words were spoken, a big wave, a smile, an 'It's been a slice, catch ya on the flipside' as I walk out the door into the sunshine wondering what adventure awaits me now.

But it's not just me. Because I have been given the privledge of knowing what the Grand Plan is for me in my life, I know what I'm supposed to do now. But I'm overwhelmed with decisions. There are too many things to think about and it just makes my head hurt.

Where one door closes... another opens.

Someone remind me of this in a week or two.

Ominous

It's dark and raining and I've got heartburn at nine in the morning. This can't be good.

Can't find a betterman

Pearl Jam - 3rd row.

Life just doesn't get much better. Well, 3rd row CENTRE would have been absolutely divine, but I'm not really complaining. Next time.

The concert was SO awesome and would have been even if we weren't so close. They played for 2.5 hours. The last encore just went on and on and on, the band obviously feeling the love the audience was throwing at them. This is my 4th PJ concert but by FAR the best one yet. Something was missing from the other three. That raw energy, Ed just being in the moment pulling his shirt over his head or rolling around on the floor, leaning on Mike during a blistering solo, jumping up and down, he sang almost a whole song with a can of Keith's balanced on his head. That was something special to see. He was relaxed and happy and it clearly showed in the performance.

I can hardly wait to hear the bootleg of the show. I have the boots of the last two in Toronto I attended but I might have listened to each of them once. It's nice to have a momento, relive the show again, but this one I can guarantee will certainly get more play time.

np: Betterman

New Sensation

Nice going JD!
*high five*

At the risk of sounding like an old timer, I remember when this town was a few tumbleweeds shy of a ghost town. Right around the time I was in junior high in the later 70's every second business seemed boarded up and deserted. I recall hearing my parents talking about moving because my father's job was at risk. He ended up losing that position but they moved him around a bit so his job with the company stayed safe until he retired many years later. The town was depressed, the people were depressed, to my young eyes this town had one foot in the grave. Every one could hardly wait to graduate high school so we could get the hell out of here and go to university and start a new exciting life. When people asked where we were from, the answer was often mumbled and accompanied with an embarassed eye roll.

I'm not sure what turned around. I was too young to understand. We're a heavily industrial place with our factories and pulp mill, so I think it was one of the factories got a very lucrative contract the held well into the future that picked us up out of the mire and breathed some life back into the old gal. We've grown in leaps and bounds in just the last few years with the arrivals of more businesses and call centres. Economically we're actually getting somewhere, finally. It's still small town enough to be comfortable and easy going but big enough that we've got more resources here without having to go to The City for it. Still not enough for ME cause I'm a city girl at heart but I can see how much this place has grown. It's still the kind of place though when meeting someone for the first time, inevitably you get asked your father's name and what he did for a living. " Who's your father now?... Oh yes yes yes, now was he the railway guy or the auto parts guy?" Hahhaha I love it. If they knew your daddy and liked him, you're in.

When I had my daughter I moved home from the West Coast because I wanted her to have what I had growing up and I didn't want to have to worry about her every time she went out the door. This is a great place to raise kids... if you make sure they know there's a whole great big world out there to be explored and savoured.

One bad thing about small towns is small town thinking and small town attitudes. But thankfully this is another thing I can definitely see that has changed about us. The defeatist attitude that seemed so prevelant here for many many years seems to FINALLY be gone. In my opinion I think that's what almost killed us; this smothering sense of not being worthy. The Scottish hard working humility our ancestors brought over almost killed us. You don't flaunt your success. You don't flaunt your wealth. You keep your nose to the grindstone, have a pint after work and head home to supper and family. Frivolous pursuits were not looked upon favourably.

It's like our collective heads have lifted. We finally realize that we CAN be frivolous every now and again. We're certainly worthy enough and we have the talent, we have the drive. We're not just humble little hard workin' factory workers and church goers from Pictou County, Nova Scotia... we can be rock stars; we can be country stars. We have just as much right to stand on that stage with every one else and give it our best bloody shot.

When I think of the odds that George Canyon AND JD Fortune have BOTH captured worldwide attention within a year of each other... and they're both from little ole Pictou Co., Nova Scotia... and the two hockey players Colin White and John Sim both made it to the NHL... my heart swells with pride and alot of that pride is for Pictou Co for finally pulling it's collective head out of it's ass and taking a look around at the rest of the world and deciding we want a piece of the action. Granted it seems like we've gone for it with mucho gusto but BRAVO boys, BRAVO. We're making up for lost time world so WATCH OUT.

I joked to my dad this morning that we could become the next Seattle and my daughter in all her 12 year old wry wisdom said "But where would we put everyone? We've only got 3 motels."

Never thought you'd habit

I have made a new discovery today. It feels somewhat decadent and slightly rebellious getting a little wine buzz on a Monday night. Makes it feel like Friday. Only downer is I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be Tuesday, which leaves 4 days til I can get a really good buzz on...which is kinda depressing.

Continuing on this 'discovery' theme... this past weekend I discovered a perscription for an anti-depressant in amongst my benzos and frilly under things. I really have NO idea where these came from. I looked at the label, I checked the date, clearly issued to me last Sept... except... I have NO memory of having been issued nor paying for this particular medication. I have googled it and it doesn't seem to hold any interest for me recreationally speaking. If I could at least catch a buzz every now and again I wouldn't be so concerned about finding unaccounted for drugs hidden amongst my unmentionables. But now that ya mention it... I'm kinda mystified.

Citalopram. If anyone can enlighten me I'm all ears. I thought about calling my doctor but the idea of a coversation that went something like this: "Yeah, hi... I found some pills in my drawer and I have no idea why I have them. Can you tell me... Why do I have them? What are they for? Can I catch a buzz from these?" Yeah, me and my doctor just don't have that kinda report. In fact he'd probably advise I come in and ask me to pee in a bottle... just a routine check up of course.

So I need to investigate further. If these are simply 'mood altering'... meh... out they go. I'm not depressed. Moody and irritable sometimes, but not depressed. But even in those spare times when I am down in the dumps I do my best creative work so I go with the flow. I don't want to be synthetically happy. Which is why I can't understand why I would spend good money on something like that. HOWEVER... if I was led to believe these little white pills had other more desirable qualities... this is a horse of a different colour.

I can't believe I wrote a whole post on a bottle of mystery pills I found in my underwear drawer. In the interest of protecting my facade of sanity and intellect I should delete this, but I've had just enough wine that I think it'll be pretty funny in the morning.

now playing: "Life Despite God" -Courtney Love

Thoughts arrive like butterflies

Just thought I'd give a little update so y'all wouldn't think I fell into a black hole in cyber space.

There's really nothing new. Just working, eating, working out, sleeping, get up and do it all over again. The Girl is off to school and settled in. First year of Junior High don cha know. She was pretty nervous the weeks leading up to it but after the first DAY she told me she loved it so much she didn't want to see the weekend come.

ARUH?!

I knew she'd like it. She loves new oppurtunities, welcomes change and sees it as necessary so we don't fall into a coma of boredom. She's like me that way. When things start feeling stagnant where I feel I am running through my life on auto-pilot I'll do something, ANYTHING to change things up whether it's new shoes or clothes or even a lipgloss if I'm particularly broke, to heading out of town for a day or two or chopping my hair off. And when I say off, I mean a couple inches. Took me too long to grow this bad boy to just hack it off with careless abandon. But never say never. But I'm more likely to just change colours.

But that's all frivolous girly stuff, but I'm sure they know where I'm coming from with that.

Since this Blawg was basically set up to chronicle my horrors in singledom I should mention what's new on that front.

NADA.

I'm kinda in a 'fuck off' mode as far as men are concerned. I haven't spoken to the dude I was supposed to meet the other weekend at Stormy's place other than a couple lines on msn. He explained that a stag party broke out at the last minute which is why he couldn't make it over.

*smacks lips and cocks a brow*

Yeah. Well while I certainly understand how a party can suddenly erupt without warning, I don't think it's out of line to expect a two minute phone call explaining something came up and you won't be able to keep the aforementioned appointment. In fact, I demand common courtesy. It's all part of being respectful. If I don't rate a quick phone call, you don't rate the time of day from me so shove off little boy. Call me when you grow up and join the human race.

Okay maybe that was a bit harsh, especially considering I had no romantic delusions about developing any type of stable relationship with a man-child who lives a hundred miles away and is 10 years my junior. Although I was willing to explore... my options... and whatever else... came up.

But I digress.

Manners. I expect the same from my family and friends so he's certainly not unique having earned my ire for his lack of consideration. I am as modern as I am old fashioned and I see nothing outdated about treating people with respect, treating others as you would like them to treat you.

So fuck off moron. I'm sure you and your motorbike will be very happy together. Assclown.

Ahhh. That felt good. Did I mention I was as immature as I am mature?

So that's pretty much about it for me lately. Nuttin' new. Going back to see Stormy next week and I can hardly wait. No kid this time. Going to see Pearl Jam. Can hardly WAIT. Just me and her, some babes to entertain us and shopping to boot. Life just doesn't get much better. Okay, well I'm sure there are a few things I could throw in there to perk it up but I'm in a good mood and don't want to depress myself.

now playing: the radio. ick.

You make big time magic fun!

We had big time fun this weekend.

We arrived in the City in one piece and hit the local mega Shop Til You Drop plex. Woohoo! The Girl is going to Junior High this fall and since she's a smidge on the insecure side... nothing that needs therapy, pretty much just regular kid insecurity... I thought it would help to get her new clothes in 'The City'. Kinda give her a little extra sumpin' special to take with her.

Anyway, so this shopping trip was all about The Girl and my friend Stormy. They both did well I think. I did get a new shirt though so I didn't come home with nothing. And some facial scrub from my favourite all natural place. And some new books.

Sat nite we got gussied up and went out to dinner. Stormy mentions it on her blog but as scrumptious as the Thai Chicken was, holy mother of god it was toxic coming out. I don't know how three such attractive babes as ourselves could smell so noxious. I was the first afflicted in the car on the way home. And they certainly had volume... and substance. "Oh it burns! It burns!" The Child had to run to the bathroom and stayed there for quite some time. Stormy even killed her dog. Really. Well okay the dog just ran and hid but I was concerned for her. I could see the toxic green cloud moving about the room taking out everything in it's path. "Light a match or a candle for god's sake! For the love of God DO SOMETHING!"

After we cleared the room and repressurized the atmosphere, we whipped out the year book and skipped down memory lane... with a couple glasses of wine. I haven't laughed like that in a LONG time. We had our own private 20 year reunion because apparently everyone else in our class assumed we were doing it again this year. We did our 10th, and did a DAMN good job if I do say so myself, and we toyed with the idea of doing the 20th but decided we just had too much on our plates and someone else could handle it this year. Well no one did. Morons. I'm starting to think we could throw together a late fall, one evening get together because I hate to see the 20 year mark go by with nothing. But Stormy and I will discuss that and decide.

Sunday morning we got up and went to Cora's for breakfast. Holy gluttony Batman what a feast. YUM YUM. Then we waddled out of there and went to Chapters. Love that place. There's nothing better on a Sunday afternoon than roaming around Chapters and grabbing a large vanilla latte on the way out. It's the closest thing to enlightment I've found yet.

We left The City much later than intended but really... now that I don't have a puppy to tend to (*moment of respectful silence*) what's the biggie? And in keeping with my true Sagittarius spontaniety, on the way home when I saw the sign for the local wildlife park I veered off onto the exit. The Child had fallen asleep in the car and she woke up in the parking lot, looked around and said 'This isn't home. Where are we?' "The wildlife park." The smile on her face was priceless. We had had a little spat before we left Stormy's house and I feel I overreacted a bit so this was my making it up to her. She loved it.

The ONLY bad thing about this weekend was the clothes shopping part. I certainly enjoyed it and loved it when The Child found the perfect skirt, the perfect shoes, etc etc... and got so excited... but for me... it got me a little depressed. Since I quit smoking there's been the inevitable weight gain I've been literally struggling with for months. I'm not whining or feeling sorry for myself... well maybe a little... but it's not like I've been sitting around doing nothing and whining about it. I've been working out 4-5 times a week for MONTHS and it's just now starting to budge. I am happy that at least it is starting to come back down... I guess I just want it to happen faster... even though I know enough about how this all works that it's just not gonna happen that way. And in the meantime it's been tough psychologically. I guess this is one of those big issues I took with me from school days. Even though I was far from obese, I was always pudgy and got teased for it in school so I've been quite sensitive about it all my life. I gained quite a bit after I stopped breast feeding The Child 12 years ago but I managed to lose it all and then some. It stayed off for a long time, right up until last year so it's pretty disheartening to see some of it pile back on within a year because I quit smoking. I should mention I'm in the 35-40 year range which certainly adds to the uphill battle.

Ah well. I'll just keep slogging away with weights and the treadmill and the laws of physics will demand some kind of results.

now playing: Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls

Don't Phunk With My Heart

First of all I'm gettin' real sick and tired of this layout. I'm probably gonna change it soon.

Next order of business.... you'll all be pleased to know Mr. Ass (he of the unsolicited Ass Shots) has graduated to Mr. Crotch Shot. Oh yes... it was like a bad case of deja vu. I put myself to Away to go grab a drink or check my pulse or something and when I came back what do I see? A lovely profile shot of this dude's package clad in stylish french cut LEOPARD PRINT underwear often seen in films with titles such as 'Debby Does Dallas' or ' Forrest Hump'. Yo Butthead! 1985 called ! They want their underwear back! Soooo anyway... what's even more astounding then the very notion that he thought after I came back to my computer and saw this vision of loveliness in front of me I might like to go out with him... what's even more baffling is that like I mentioned before, after I freaked out over the ass shots and didn't speak to him for months, WHAT part of his brain figured crotch shots would get him over that last hurtle with me?! He completely baffles me, he really does. So long story short (too late) after I let him know how mentally unbalanced I thought he was and I didn't want to talk to him anymore he was actually surprised and told ME to grow up. Really. Then he told me not to dare judge him by a few words and pictures exchanged on the internet. Ummm riiigghhhtttt. Try the Hot Pockets, they're fabulous. He even gave me his phone number and asked for mine. ahhh ahahahhah... HHAAHAAHAHAHA NEVER.

And continuuing with our Back From the Dead Theme I've had contact from two other guys I haven't spoken to in months, both within a day of each other. It's been bizarre. It's almost like they all know each other and they got together and decided to band together and mess with my mind. Isn't that a frightening thought.

Now one of them I always enjoyed talking to but I felt he had too much baggage to pursue, but I always liked talking to him. Just this past Wed as we were both bemoaning our lack of uh... a social life... ahem.. he started suggesting we should meet and 'take care' of each other. I let him go on for a few minutes and finally told him I was heading his way this weekend and while I won't have time to 'take care' of anybody, it would be nice to meet him and say hi. Suddenly his weekend was already pretty chock full of things to do. 'Magine that. I called him a chicken shit and the conversation died pretty quickly after that and I haven't seen him on line since. Apparently I called his bluff and he had nothing. All I'm asking is don't waste my time if all you're looking for is someone different to talk to from time to time, especially when you got my msn name from a DATING SITE. HELLO. It wasn't on Pen Pals 'R Us. And especially when you're being pretty straight forward about the 'taking care of business' thing. PUH-lease. Now he's the one that needs to grow up.

Now Candidate number 2 also lives in the same place as that other dude. We've been chatting again since last week I think. He pissed me off last year when after MONTHS of getting to know each other and putting it out on the table that we dug each other, one day he tells me he bought a motorbike and shortly after took a day trip to a town near here which meant he had to drive right smack through my town. Did he advise me he was coming through and did I want to meet up for a coffee? Nooooo. Did he ever take a day trip down to see me? Noooooo. It was one of those moments where I had to hold onto my pride and admit he just wasn't that into me. I told him I was kinda gagged that he never stopped in to see me, obviously never even thought of it and really never spoke to him again much after that. It died a quick death and in trying to keep with my new trimming the fat lifestyle, I took him off my msn list.

Now he's back out of the same blue all these other guys were hiding in too apparently but it's a year later. I also called his bluff and said 'hey, I'm coming to a town near you this weekend, what's so you stop over and say hi?' It was a bit dodgy for 10 or so minutes and I thought oh yeah, here we go again... and he said he had band practice first (what is it with me and these musicians?) and he wouldn't be done til 10. I said no problem, we'll be up. So he said sure and actually gave me his cell nmbr. No, I haven't tried it yet and I wouldn' t be a bit surprised if it either doesn't work or I get some poor deaf old lady, or the more likely scenario VOICE MAIL followed the next day by an excuse that his battery died or he left it home by mistake or any number of a hundred excuses.

I'm not a pessimist. Really. But I am a realist and I've been around this block a few times. There is something about coming out from behind the internet that scares some people. But like I've said before, if we have lots to talk about normally and you haven't lied about yourself, what's the problem? Maybe I'm just too harsh in judging and it's simply nerves. I can accept that. Not being afraid of much of anything sometimes I forget not everyone is Xena The Warrior Princess. And some people really just want someone to chat to to pass a long boring work day or a lonely evening at home. Maybe I don't float his boat in 'that way'. But be honest about it. Don't jerk me around.

So I am anxious to meet this dude, but I have no delusions of anything developing. Really I don't. For one thing he is kinda young, 10 years younger than me young. He seems mature for his age though or I wouldn't have kept talking to him all that time. But I won't be sitting around Sat evening with giggling school girl nerves. At this point he's an online bud I'm finally getting to meet.

But if I get 'taken care of' at some point in the near future because he's fallen madly in lust with me than who am I to crush a young man's heart and leave him a broken man who sits in his lazy boy all day long incapable of loving another because I not only broke his heart but crushed his spirit... nope ... I just couldn't be that cruel.

now playing: "Pon de Replay" - Rihanna

Dawn of the Dead

I wasn't kidding about the Night of the Living Dead thing. Another one has managed to crawl back into my world.

The Ass Guy... the guy who sent me a picture of his bare ass on MSN then tried to deny it and say he didn't know what I was talking about because all he was doing was cleaning files out of his computer... *deep breath*... even though it was RIGHT THERE... anyway... I haven't talked to him in months after he went all 12 years old on me when I stopped flirting with him. So I sign in the other night, first time in weeks and he'd added me again. And because I just never learn the first time, I ok'd it.

He's right up there with 'Trevor' in the rat with the cheese experiment. If the surroundings and the behaviour don't change... WHY do they think the outcome will be any different?! Someone PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!!

*deep breath deep breath deep breath*

After some idle chit chat about the weather he asks if I'm still single... like he'd do every other time. Now normally you would think this would be followed by some offer of a get together. But of course not. So I call him on it and say 'you ask me that every single time we talk'. He says sorry, he won't do it again and follows it up with the reasoning that he just wants to know in case he decides he wants to ask me to get together sometime.

*crickets chirping... tumbleweeds tumbling...*

I say NOTHING. He says NOTHING. I sign off.

I debated asking him why he feels he needs to announce what he may do in the future, instead of just doing it. I fully realize WHY he does it, because he doesn't have the social skills necessary to ask a girl out and he's hoping I'll do the follow through. Uh uh. I'm so sorry. If you lack even the basic social graces you will not survive in my world. I am far from high maintenance but I do require to be treated in a certain manner. I am not one of those girls who will do all the work just because I'm so happy to have a man, any man. Phft. My man needs to be strong and confident and if you can't even manage to ask me out for coffee you're clearly lacking in both areas.

Instead of getting all up in his grill and asking why he thought being a wimp assed mutha fuckah was an attractive trait... hahhahah- sorry... just a second... hahahahahhaha... ahem... okay... where was I... wimp ass- right... so instead of asking him why he'd just announce he might do it in the future instead of just doing it, I stayed silent. A friend once accused me of being confrontational just for the sake of doing it. After I kicked him in the naughty bits and ran away I decided he was right so I now take a moment to decide if going all Courtney Love on my intended victim is really worth it. And in the sicko department, there are people out there that equate arguing with emotion. If you care enough to spend time arguing your point with them, they will take that as you care for them. It sounds twisted, but think about it.

I have chatted briefly with another guy I met on line who looks somewhat promising, but I haven't chatted with him long enough yet to say that with any certainty. I get good vibes from his profile though.

And as a sidenote, but worth noting... Queer As Folk ended last night. Damn I'm gonna miss that show. I started watching it for the hot naked guys, regardless if they were getting naked with each other, but got hooked very quickly on the show due to the quality writing and believable story lines and characters.

I still think 5 minutes with Brian Kinney and I could change his mind on that whole gay thing. If not who cares? I'd still have five smokin' hot minutes with Brain Kinney WOOHOO!

now playing: "It's Raining Men"

Night of the Living Dead

Last weekend, the weekend of the music festival, my original plans fell through big time. At 8:30 that evening, I was showered and looking fine... then the phone call came and I had NO ONE to go with. I was somewhere between pissed and ready to run to my room crying. It had been so long since I've been out I was not a happy camper.

However, I took inspiration from another blog I read (waves at Hope) and I put on my big girl panties and went by myself. This is major for me. I have this thing about not going to things by myself. I'm sure this goes back to high school days (don't all our adult psychosis somehow stem from high school?). But this time I said to myself... Self (because that is my name), you're not going to sit home and sulk and wake up tomorrow and wish you went... so I sucked back 3 coolers and toddled off. (I figured I'd probably run into people I knew anyway so hold back presenting the purple heart this time.)

It was okay. There were SO many people there I was merely one small cell in the petri dish. I did run into a few people I knew but surprisingly not many. So I had a few more drinks and took my newfound courage up the street to the bar. I had a drink up there and again, not seeing anyone I knew decided I had enough and just as I turned to leave... like a bad fucking movie from the 50's I felt a hand on my arm and when I turned to see who had accosted me so and to tell him to "Unhand me sir!", it was one of my ex's who I'm sure I've mentioned here before. Yes, yes I have. He's the guy with one light bulb he'd move from room to room. We'll call him... Trevor.

Now I could go on and on and on about 'Trevor' because we had a thing that dragged on literally for years. I wanted him, he didn't want me; then when I decided I didn't want him anymore, then I can't get rid of him. He turned into a phuque buddy that just wouldn't go away. I gave him a few chances thinking he'd smarten up but after so many years and counselling from my best friend (what the fuck are you doing?! you're too good for that idiot! Jesus just DUMP him already! GAWD woman!) I saw the light and told him we just had different goals in life (*eye roll*) and it was time that we just move on with our lives.

Now what IS IT with guys that they hear the words coming out of our mouths but they figure if they just go away for a few months that maybe we'll just forget what we said, then they come back and act like nothing happened? I swear to christ 'Trevor' was spewing the exact same shit that's been coming out of his mouth since the day I met him. Every single time I see him he blathers on about how he's gonna 1) stop drinking 2) start saving his money 3)get back to the gym ... yadda... yadda... yadda. Then he'll start bringing up things from the past that he perceives as good times we had together. *yawn* I swear to god I never heard have the shit coming out of his mouth. I didn't need to. I've heard it all before. Repeatedly. If he really meant it he'd just do it instead of talking about it all the time. And yes, I've said that to him before too 'Well then why don't you just fucking DO IT?'

calming breaths... happy place happy place happy place...

So he's yapping on like a chihuahua on meth and I'm pretty much ignoring him really, then he asks where I'm going when I leave the bar. Home I 'magine. He suggests coming with me. Nooooo I don't think so Tim. Then he says and may buddha strike me dead if I'm lying 'Oh, you wanna pick up someone else?' I looked at him with The Face and said 'I dont' wanna pick up anyone.' This is another thing that always irritated me about him. Guys are pretty obsessed with sex as a general rule, but he takes the fucking cake. And he's not even any good at it. But I digress.

So I say no, I'm not looking to 'score' (*eye roll again*) and he says 'Oh, well you'll let me walk ya home though right?' and I start to laugh. Obviously he thinks everyone is as stupid as he is. I shake my head no, I dont' think so. He says 'What? I can walk ya home right?' like maybe I'll give him a different answer this time, and again I shake my head and say no, I don't think that's a very good idea (cause I'd never get rid of him) and he actually gets all huffy and I can't even remember what he said, but I think he said something about going to find someone else then and disappears through the crowd. Hahahah what a fucking maroon. All I could do is stand there and laugh.

And all of this occurred after when he asked if I was seeing someone, I said yes. That seems to be the line he won't cross, the one thing that keeps him away from me. But I decided to make it a good one and tell him he was married, just to see what kind of reaction I'd get. Mr "I'll Fuck Anything With a Pulse" actually asked me why I'd give myself to a man that wouldn't be there for me. I gave him The Look and said 'well, that's the pot calling the kettle black isn't it?' I don't even know if he understood.

I don't know why I let him irritate me so much. I dealt with him and dismissed of him easily enough but he just angers me so much cause he just doesn't get it. I don't know why this is important to me. It's not really. He means nothing to me anymore. I guess it's just beause I can't understand why he doesn't seem to get that his shot is LONG LONG gone and I'm SO tired of hearing all his woulda/coulda/shoulda. I think next time I see him I just need to tell him to go away that I don't want to talk to him. I don't like to do that, but I'm so tired of listening to his bullshit that it beats the alternative.

Thank you for listening.

The Revenants

I have had to deal with far too much death of loved ones for such a short time on this plane. Isn't there some kind of sliding scale for these things? I understand the older you get, well, these things happen. But I'm not even 40 yet and I've had to go through all four of my grandparents, school chums, my mother, my birth mother, assorted dogs, cats, and we bury my aunt next week. She died in April (we had to wait for relatives from the states to be able to come hence the delay in the burial). And now I worry about my cats, my aunt has cancer and my dad isn't getting any younger. Good thing I like wearing black.

But anyway.

I was finally able to call the pet cemetary to make arrangements for my puppy without bursting into tears on the phone. I also had to take 2 of the cats in for allergy shots two days after I had to go through the whole ordeal with him. That was kinda tough knowing he was still there... in the... ya know... 'basement'.

But as the old song goes, life goes on. The house is quiet. Too quiet. And I feel somewhat more vulnerable without my security system alerting me to uncharacteristic neighborhood sounds. I used to be able to leave the downstairs window open on hot nights, but not anymore... wait a second... didn't I have a dream about people trying to get into my house? And I remember in the dream wondering why Cayman wasn't barking? And wanting to close the window but being afraid to.

Wow. Okay. That's going to require more indepth thought.

Anyway, so my dad fixed the back door so it actually latches and locks now. Again I never really worried about it with my protector keeping an eye on things. I may get another dog some day, but a smaller one. I loved my puppy but dayum he was a handful and a half some days. And planning even just an overnight trip required a trip to a boarding kennel because no one wants to deal with a dog that size.

I miss my puppy and if I could turn back time and have him back I would.

So why do I feel guilty that I like the idea I can leave my supper on the coffee table to refill my water glass? Or that I don't have to worry someone's going to walk in and let the dog out? That I can take the cat's food dishes out of the bathroom and down to the kitchen? That I don't have to pick up every scrap of paper from his reach before I go to bed?

And the cats... *insert sardonic laughter*... they're not even bothering to hide their elation that he's not there anymore. They're stretched out on their backs snoozing at any given time in the middle of the living room or kitchen. Although the kitten is worrying me. She grew up with the puppy (she's 2yrs) and they played together. She's taken up residence in the same spot in the kitchen for the last week. It's almost like she's waiting for him to come in the back door from being outside. But she's not meowing or acting sad and morose. She's just been laying around in a spot she previously hadn't. I can't decide if she's taken advantage of the fact that he's not going to put her head in his mouth or if she's waiting for him. She's a hard cat to read.

And the guy who sent me an unsolicited picture of his bare ass has contacted me again. Christ what is WITH these guys? Do they think our memories are that short? Come on! I talked to him briefly last night and he asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no, then he said 'you were last time we talked'... like that makes a difference now because...? I just said 'yeah and that was how long ago?' He's still the same and I'm still not interested. GO. AWAY.

There's a big music festival here this weekend so getting together with friends and partaking of libations should scare off some of the dark clouds that have been hanging over my house.

'The Revenants' by The Distillers
My favourite song. Check it out.

Off He Goes ...

I'm sorry I didn't play catch with you more often.

I'm sorry I didn't take you for more walks.

I'm sorry I yelled at you for eating the book/shoes/poster/etc

But remember when we cuddled in my bed when it thundered?

Remember when we chased the cats just for fun?

You were doing good learning spanish.

We had fun playing ninjas and hide & seek too.

The kitten is already terrorizing the elder cats now that she doesn't have you to tease.

I won't feel quite as safe alone in the house now.

We miss you already.

I'll see ya when I get there buddy and I promise we'll

play catch until we fall down.

rip Cayman Watermelon July 20, 2005

Cassanova

A friend sent this to me and I thought it muy worthy of postage. Please feel free to pass this on to your male friends... in fact I would encourage it:



He thought every woman was special. No Bo Derek clones or one-to-ten rankings for Casanova. He loved one woman at a time, and although he lavished compliments on them, his praise was based on what made each woman unique. Nothing was too insignificant to mention; he may have admired the way she ate a peach. (When he met Henriette, his greatest love, she was disguised as a soldier; he told her he admired her “whimsical” uniform.) He also liked intelligence and believed that an ugly, witty woman seduced through the charms of her mind.

How can you put this lesson into practice? Look for what makes a woman different from everyone else, and tell her how much you appreciate it—one unique comment can be a hundred times more appreciated than a generic “you’re so beautiful.”

He loved listening to women talk. Many women read books by or about men to find out what men think, but how many men read books to learn about women? No such fears troubled Casanova. Proud of his masculinity, he would be shocked by anyone who thought it was unmanly to listen to women talk. He once famously said, “I’ve never made love to a woman whose language I didn’t speak because I like to enjoy myself in all my senses at once.” In his view, good conversation was the best foreplay—the first step in a seduction—and he liked both partners to take pleasure in it. So instead of taking the conversational lead on your next date, try engaging your date on a topic she’s really interested in talking about. You might be surprised by what she has to say.

He treasured and respected women as friends. Being friends with women was just as important to Casanova as being lovers—he wasn’t out to degrade or debauch. He once remarked that women were like books: You need to read more than the title in order to enjoy them. Because of his deep respect for women, he would never “love ’em and leave ’em”—in fact, he maintained close friendships with many of his lovers all his life. It may sound obvious, but treating a potential date with the same attention and respect you’d give to any friend will go a long way toward winning her heart.

He lived life to its fullest. Casanova felt that happiness was the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. He knew that pursuing pleasure and love wasn’t a distraction from personal fulfillment, but a worthy end in itself, and he would have laughed at our stressed-out, overachieving culture. To be loved by Casanova was to be well-fed and sensually satiated. Why not take a cue from him? Slow down and celebrate your life. A passion for living is always irresistible.

With a Rebel Yell

I want more piercings and tatts.

I am surpressing my rebellious nature but it feels like I'm losing. I always felt that it let me win anyway, until it got tired of waiting then it would take me over like the Exorcist.

I'm scared to watch the new show 'Inked' coming on A&E this Wed for it will probably be followed up by a trip to my friendly neighborhood tattoo dude. Good thing I'm not rich cause lack of cash flow seems to be the only thing that stops me sometimes.

Insane Clown Posse

I had a nightmare last night that scared the bejesus out of me.

I was at home and was getting ready for bed when I heard footsteps on my porch. I peeked out the bathroom window (2nd floor) and saw three young men I didn't recognize, roughly 17, 18 yrs hanging out on my porch. The street I live on is a dead end and it's almost like the whole street is a community 'front yard'. It's really cool that way. So while I thought 'who the hell are those kids and why are they on my porch', I also thought okay, maybe they don't realize this is my house, not the kid's they're hanging out with. My kid was in bed asleep in the dream.

And I almost forgot to mention, these kids all had their faces painted circus clown style, red, blue, white, but sloppy, like Halloween make up.

So I peek out underneath the blind again and I see them there (although this is actually physically impossible with my actual house, but let's suspend reality) and I look around the street and realize all the other kids have gone in, but these boys are still there. Then I hear one of them try my door, which is thankfully locked. My first reaction is to yell at them to get the hell off my porch but for once in my life I'm thinking it might be safer to shut the hell up and they'll go away. And they're not really doing anything other than hanging out on my porch. And I notice my dog isn't barking and I find this odd. He doesn't bark at familiar people or sounds.

I continue getting ready for bed and just before I slip under the sheets I look again and see then heading off down the street. I think I see a beer in one of their hands but my subconscious could have inserted this apres-dream for effect.

So I crawl into bed relieved they're wandering away. But not minutes later I hear my doorknob (downstairs) rattle again and I hear them again and I know they're trying to get into my house. I think they think my house is empty and they want to just come in and hang out and drink beer but what will they do when they get in and realize there are people in here, and one lonely female with a child at that.

Feeling the panic rise I reach for the cordless phone by my bed but find it's gone dead because my daughter left it off the base too long. Trying to be quiet I curse and sneak into the hallway to get a different cordless. Sidenote: I don't know why I'm being quiet and sneaking beause they actually haven't gotten into the house at this point. In the dream I feel like if they hear me they'll bust into the house to get me. And I don't have a cordless phone on a table in the hallway.

I try to muffle the sound of pressing the buttons for 911 by hiding in a corner of the room and covering it with a blanket. I also don't want to wake my daughter up because she'd panic more than me. I can hear them moving around outside my house, looking for a way in. The line rings and an automated voice tells me I've reached 911 and they're going to pass me to an operator... and it rings... and the doorknob rattles a little harder, they laugh... it rings... are they at the back of the house... it continues to ring and no one is picking up and I'm thinking if they don't hurry up it'll be too late... and it's still ringing and I'm panicing and my breathing is rapid and shallow and I'm suddenly terrified...

And I wake up with a start, breathing rapid and shallow, my eyes wide, looking around. It only takes a few seconds to realize it was just a dream and I slowly calm down, put my head back on the pillow and wonder if I should go shut the bathroom window.

And I don't want to leave my front dooe unlocked at all anymore.

I am on mental vacation.

I have no deep thoughts or scandalous behaviour to report.

I'm in one of my everyone-can-just-fuck-off moods.

I am pondering alot of things at the moment and don't wish to share. I may later, but not just yet. Probably not though.

Check out my links. Those people have lots of things to say.

The Perfect Drug indeed...

That's right... hands and knees baby... don't stop there... keep goin'...

The Downward Spiral

I hate when the week starts out like this cause it just screws you up for the whole rest of the week. Sunday night I can't sleep for whatever reason. I think someone put caffeine in my evening decaf. Bastards. Don't they realize I can't handle the C like I used to when I smoked?! Don't they realize what they're doing to me?! Like I'm not hyper enough as it is!

Anyway... so I can't sleep which means I'm a useless piece of overtired sludge Monday morning. So Monday evening comes and what happens? Power nap on the couch... which means I'm not tired at bedtime... which means AGAIN I don't get to bed at a decent hour and AGAIN I wake up feeling like I've been on a three day vodka bender. Oh the memories. Good times, good times.

So I need to do anything I can NOT to fall asleep in front of the Simpsons this evening. I need to stay sitting upright otherwise I'll be snoozing. This is my mission and I choose to accept it.

A random thought from my overly tired mind... Trent Reznor circa 'The Perfect Drug' was one hot mutha fuckah. When he's crawling along the floor in that video *shivers* Oh yeah baby. Come to mama. Now he just looks like someone's dad who got sober and cut his hair. *shivers for a different reason* Someone throw that man a quart of vodka and take away his Supercuts card.

Hahahahahaha... I swear sometimes my life feels like I'm on a 24/7 reality show. Saturday nite my Married Friend dedicated a song to me... called me by name from his microphone then sang 'Keep Your Hands To Yourself' to me, saying something like this is what I say to him, or something. I was drunk, I don't remember the exact words, but the jist was pretty clear as I danced and laughed. Anyway... it just came on the radio and I started laughing... and wondering who was there from the radio station to witness me and my friend in all our drunken glory.

Good times, good times.

And why does my co-worker smell like beer this morning? How odd.

I Don't Like Mondays

I'm having the worst Monday I've had in a long time. Woke up late which meant I got to work late. Just 7 minutes but still not good. I came in here to problems that happened over the weekend that were out of my control but it still affected my customers which meant I've spent most of the day so far trying to get them fixed up. I realized I had some kind of stain on my shirt in the afternoon and if that wasn't enough I spilled coffee on the other side of my shirt and left pant leg.

At least I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and dished a bit on a few people. That was about the only bright spot in this otherwise craptacular day.

I've been thinking more and more about my friend with the 'luggage' (aka: wife and kids) and I don't know why. Horny & lonely? Maybe. Maybe just tired of saying no while I stay home alone every freakin' weekend. I never should have posted about him in the first place cause that's what made me start thinking about him alot more... 'in that way'. And before y'all jump all over me I know it's wrong and blah blah blah. Like everything else, this too shall pass. I hope. Although I feel my resolve slipping away like a blob of butter across a hot frying pan.

*drums fingers*

I Love My Shoes

Muy Caliente!

I added a couple new links on the side, and consider this your forewarning that the Sexy Tomatoes or the Suicide Girls may not be work safe should that be an issue for you.

And before someone sez " Well no wonder you're still single! You're a closet lesbian!" Nooooo... not that there's anything wrong with that. But I like dudes. Alot. Trust me.

These sites remind me why it's great to be a strong woman comfortable in her own skin, and comfortable with her sexuality. It's just comforting to know you're not alone and that it's okay to be exactly who you wanna be.

And check out the ink on those Suicide Girls! When I start thinking I went a little overboard with the Dragon I just look at those chicas.

The Simple Life

I've been a pretty busy grasshopper since Friday afternoon.

So first off, I've been debating this tattoo I've wanted since I saw it on a girl in The Matrix sequels. I can't remember her name in the movie but she was the girlfriend of the guy that was the pilot I think, and I can't even remember his name. Her name in real life is Nona Gaye, that much I do know cause I googled her incessantly trying to find a good shot of this tatt.

ANYWAY... so that actually didn't pan out and I kinda let it go which tells me I must not have wanted it there as bad as I originally thought cause once I decided I wanted a dragon there instead I was sitting at the tattoo parlor pouring through books before the words were barely out of my mouth. And 'there' being on my bicep so when I'm standing facing someone, the tattoo is looking back at you (Hey how ya doin' *wink wink*)

So I got this (what I think is) very cool reddish/brownish dragon. I've never gotten one quite this big so I'm still thinking oooohhhhh ddeeeaarrr... everytime I look at it, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Too bad if I don't HA! Too late now. Oh well. If Angelina can pull them off...

yeah... I'm no Angelina but don't tell me psyche that

So my cat was acting weird Friday night. She's almost 15 so when she starts acting weird you don't waste any time getting her to the vet. Turns out it looks like she got a bite or scratch from another animal and it got infected. And it's on her butt. *snort* I was SO relieved to hear it was just an infection though. She looked pretty rough Saturday morning and I was preparing for the worst. But mah baby's got some time yet. I think that might have been life #9 though. She's been through alot in her life from a car accident, a caesarean section, mastitis, gingivitis, and now an infected butt. If she was human she'd be the crankiest bitch on the block. But she loves her mama and isn't afraid to show me so she can be as mean as she wants to everyone else.

Since it was 9 million degrees here Saturday and in my delirium from the heat I somehow mistakenly thought my last name was Rockafeller, I went out and bought a pool. Not a huge inground affair, although that would have been FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC, but it's a good size. It's 10ft long and the water comes up to your chest when you sit in it. Just enough to get cooled off in the heat and keep the Kid from driving everyone absolutely INSANE this summer whining how she's hot and bored. I told her even if we end up eating KD all week it was worth every cent.

So back to work this morning with a nice tan and an itchy new tattoo. Thank god it's a short week here in Kanada. I'm working on my social phobia and have invited some friends over Thurs eve for beverages, then we're heading out to see a friend's band play. I have a good feeling it'll be lots of fun. Can't go wrong with friends, beverages and good tunes. Salut!

Summertime Blues

Just some random thoughts bouncing around my cranium today.

I wonder if my friend is coming home soon and if I'll get to see him while he's here. And I wonder if he ever wonders 'what if' about the two of us every once in awhile like I do.

I complain I never do anything, yet I don't seem to make much of an effort to make things happen. But it seems everytime I do hardly anyone shows. It seems to be the more casual the invite 'yeah come over if you're not doing anything' seems to get the best results. But I hardly ever do this because I'm paranoid of my cleaning/decorating skills are just not up to snuff. Everyone else's house looks great. Mine always looks cluttered and half-assed. I'm no Martha Stewart. But I don't know where I get this notion that my friends will be poking in corners and turning their noses up because I might have missed a spot. If I'm having a get together I'll spend days cleaning and shining. Is this normal? Do I need psychiatric help for this compulsion? I don't understand how I can be so uncaring about what people think of me, but when it comes to people seeing my house I freak out.

moving on...

The object of my affection: long blonde hair, shy, cute... I still think about him alot. We had a brief dalliance and to his credit he was upfront in telling me he wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I thought 'yeah, I'll change his mind on that... ' Phft. I pined, still pine from time to time but I had to take my own advice and admit he's not calling because he doesn't want to. Swallow the jagged little pill and stop saying things like 'he's just shy... maybe he doesn't think I want him too... ' Which could of course be true, but sitting around believing them to be fact while the phone is still not ringing serves no purpose. I wish I'd run into him somewhere and his eyes would light up when he saw me. Then I'd jump his bones and finish what we started and tie him up in the basement so he couldn't get away again.

snort

The Object of his Affection: is me. A different him. He's smart, funny, we get along like a house on fire... did I mention he was married? Of course he is because this is my life we're talking about. He dreams about washing my feet. Gives one a sense of omnipotence. The air crackles with the sexual tension when we're in the same room. I tell him the day he gets divorced I better be the first person he comes to visit. I know. Good girl. Yeah... I'm not such a good girl. I flirt with him. I invite him over for wine. I call him at 2am to come drive me home from the bar. I flirt with disaster. He feels like a boyfriend I have no physical relationship with. And I think about what that physical relationship would be like. ALOT. Because I think it would be hot. I tell him I think it would be over in 30 seconds because of the years of built up anticipation then we'd be left disappointed and wondering what the hell all the excitement was about. He doesn't agree with me though. I don't either but sometimes it helps me stay away from him.

*fans self* next topic

What if someone I knew came across this blawg and figured out it was me? Would I want to die from embarassment?

*thinks a minute*

No. Who cares. Whatever. You can't mock me if it doesn't bother me. Go ahead. If it makes you smile thinking what a tool I am, well I'm glad I brightened your day a little.

I need to be more social. I need to stop worrying what people will think of my cleaning and decorating skills, or lack thereof and just start inviting people over for stuff. All my other friends do it. I think I relied too much on other people's party hosting and just never bothered doing my own. But then when I think about having a dinner party or something I think oh dear god where am I going to put everyone?! I don't have enough furniture! My house is too small! And I never finished painting the hallway! and I'm only halfway through stripping the stairs they look horrible! And what if someone see my junk room ?! Okay that's it. Forget the party. I can't let anyone see this.

yeah this is what happens every time. I should have a barbeque maybe. That would work. Hmmm now there's a thought. I don't feel my stress level going up too high over that. But I don't have a barbeque. I don't eat enough meat to justify getting one. I could invite my neighbor... and ask if he'd mind bringing his barbeque with him ha ha.

I have a new weekend habit towards getting more social. Sitting on the doorstep with a bottle of wine. Friday and/or Saturday nites (depending on the weather and how tired I am) I light the tiki torches and sit on the stoop. The tiki torches seem to have become my beacon for anyone who wants to come join me that the wine drinking will now commence. So far only one of my neighbors has joined me but we still have fun. The kids run around and play and we watch the world go by while we slug back a few glasses. I suggested we should have a neighborhood Block Party this summer and he thought that was a great idea. I already warned him he'll have to do the barbequing.

hahaha Summertime Blues just came on, the Alan Jackson version. That's a cosmic message from my mom. She loved Alan Jackson.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do
cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

Even Freaks Need Love Too

"Hello how are things in **** may be heading your way in the next month or so I am taking a heavy equipment course in **** not sure of the start date.
Maybe we can have a cup of coffee sometime tell a few weird stories bye for now Paul"

Again with the coffee.

I talked to this man for a few hours one night and although he seemed somewhat interesting, he came off as way more religious than I prefer. Don't get me wrong, I believe to each his own, but seeing as I'm not even christian, I don't see a future here.

However we had alot in common. I had a really interesting experience while talking to him online that I hesitate mentioning for fear of causing brain hemorrages from the eye-rolling that will occurr, but I think it's pertinent to mention to explain why I feel it's necessary that I meet him in person.

I get visits from time to time... from people... that uh... aren't alive anymore. Yes, I see dead people. Not all the time and I can't seem to do it 'on command' (although to be honest I've hardly ever tried- be careful what you wish for comes to mind), but if there's a strong one that wants to be heard dammit he's gonna be heard. I'm not here to defend or debate this ability. I have it, I have enough witness and proof. The End.

So anyway, I'm chatting away to Mr. I Believe In Angels and almost right off the bat I'm getting some old British guy demanding I say hello to Mr Angel. I'm trying to ignore him not wanting to reveal just how fucking insane I can be within minutes of meeting someone new, but he was REALLY persistent. According to his profile, the live guy, not the dead one, he professed to be into the paranormal so I'm thinking well... it's kind of a requirement if you're gonna hook up wit moi, so let's test just how into it he really is.

So I start by asking if he knows Roy. Who is Roy. Does he know Roy. So after some back and forth and describing this gentleman and passing on the message to say 'hello to his mum and they'll be having tea soon' he tries to test me a few times with some questions for Roy, then finally fesses up he knows who it is. Yeah whatever buddy. Do you think I like having these dudes following me around interrupting my day insisting I go deliver their messages? Do I LOOK like Fedex for the dearly departed? I joke to my friend that my name is on some community bulletin board in the afterlife. 'For communicaton with the living, please see....'

So Mr. Angel is impressed and shares with me a freaky occurence or two that happened to him and I listen and think... yeah. There are lots of things that can be chalked up to pure coincidence. Not everything can be attributed to 'spiritual intervention'. I'm sure my friend will back my up when I say I am certainly a believer, I have no choice, but I will look for every other possible explaination before I start running around telling everyone about the footsteps up the stairs although there's clearly no one there.

And there I go being too critical again. I'm trying to stop doing that. He did know which town I live in and that's a bit of a mystery to me. Unless you can get someone's IP in an msn chat, or from hotmail I have no idea how he knew where I was.

Anyway... I didn't mean to turn this into ghost story time. I'm interested in meeting this guy because he claims to have abilities. I'm always interested in meeting freaky people. And I can get a better sense of him in person. A friend and I had a conversation one time about how we were both really good at summing a person up in seconds... but how much of that is intuition, reading energy or just being really good at reading body language. He seems to put more into the intuition part of it but I don't know. Maybe so.

I can honestly say I'm not really excited in the sense that I think a romance is going to come out of it. He's too 'godly' for my tastes... not that that's a bad thing. One of my dearest friends is a minister. We just don't talk about religion. I respect his beliefs like he respects mine. I just can't see how a relationship can develop between those two. I had a dear devout Mormon friend, still is a friend, but we were toying with the idea of marrying each other. He's a great guy, but besides the whole religious thing, I just couldn't see it working between us for other reasons. Maybe I'm the religious snob. Huh. I must ponder this further. I've chosen not to start relationships with church-going types, even though they seem to think it's no biggie. I think I had it in my head they thought once they got me under their spell they could 'save me'. ha... ha... HHAHAHAHHAHA yeah that ship has sailed my brutha.

I haven't really talked to Mr. I Live Through My Kids again. Once, I think, and he wasn't very talkative at all. So why bother saying Hi at all if you don't want to talk to me? Again, immaturity rears it's ugly head.

I'm probably going to regret posting this about the dead people thing after I actually post it. I waffle with not giving a flip who knows and trying to keep it a secret except from anyone I know who won't roll their eyes and say 'yeah right'. I have developed friendships with a group of people over the last year, other folks with similar stories and you just have no idea how great it feels to be able to talk about your latest experiences with freakiness like others discuss new recipes, to be able to get support and guidance makes you feel giddy. Just to know you're not insane (I say that dubiously) is an unbelievable relief.

Wow did I get off topic today. And I'll probably sit here for a good 30 minutes trying to decide if I should hit Publish Post or not.

hhhmmmmmmmmm....

Head Meet Wall... Repeat

I've been ill the last couple days. Combination acid reflux and a lovely head/chest cold settling in. I never had such heartburn until I quit smoking. Someone please explain this to me. I was actually healthier before I quit smoking. Go figure.

ANYWAY... so boredom sets in and I toddle back to Lavalife to troll around and see who I can scare up to amuse me. A guy sends me a smile and I read his profile thinking well, he's not my usual fare but that's working real well for me (sarcasm) so at least we can have a chat and I can get a better idea what he's all about.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Let me get this straight. I am a mother. I have one child. I do all the normal parental things with my child... HOWEVER... when I meet potential date material for the first time I do NOT go on and on and on about her. Please. To me this screams I HAVE NO LIFE OF MY OWN. Now before I get slammed for being a bad parent, any good parent will tell you you need to take time for yourself or you will lose your mind. It's just that simple. When we started talking about what we liked to do in our spare time it was all 'take the kids here' and do this with the kids... like okay I get it. I think that's what turned me off about him. If you're a parent it's pretty standard fare you do things with your kids, but he seems so gung ho in making sure I KNEW every spare minute of his life was devoted to being SUPER DAD. I'm sorry, I'm not interested in being Super Mom. I'm more concerned about being a good mother who has a small slice of her life left to herself. I have a friend who's life is totally devoted to her kids, cooking, cleaning blah blah blah and she's wound so tight you could stick coal up her ass and she'd shit diamonds. And they bicker all the time (her and hubby) and she complains alot. Whenever their family comes over you can feel the tension. She needs to go get drunk (and I suspect laid) or something.

Which brings me to another weird thing he said... I asked if he ever went out and he said if he lived in (a city close to this small town) he would go out more. I asked him why and he said because he's only been sperated a year and it's a small town, you always run into someone you know. I thought okay... his kids are 9 and 11 I think he said, and I'm thinking either you're a really idiotic drunk, or you're just weird because how are these kids gonna find out how you behaved at a bar? It's not like their friends would see him. And even if he was concerned about the whole idiotic drunk factor, just don't drink that much. So I said... so Dad's not allowed to have any fun then? And he said he guesses he's sheltering them a bit.

Oiy vey. And he even 'talked' (msn talk) odd. I don't know if he was trying to impress me or if he's like this all the time, which would be worse, but he was really stiff and articulate. He spoke to me like I was a business associate, not a chick he was trying to get to know. Now it's one thing to NOT sound like a tool that just fell off the turnip truck, but loosen the bone Wilma GAWD. Made me think he's overdoing it too much like he wants to make sure I know he knows big words. Guys raised in small communities with back woods reputations will do this. But most of us aren't going to judge you on where you were raised, but rather the person you've become. He also told me some of his musical favs are Il Divo, Three Tenors, etc etc. Yeah. Now Italian opera is fine quality music and I'm not judging his musical tastes, but COME ON! It was becoming clear to me that he really didn't read my profile very well. 'Camping is not really my thing. I'd rather grab a bottle of Absolut and go see a band, the louder the better'. Now... does this even remotely make me sound like I might be a patron of the arts?

And I saw his picture. Not ugly, but DEFINITELY nowhere NEAR my type. I like that whole pearl jam/rock dude with a brain thing. He looked like pudgy lumberjack. Not being judgemental, just painting a picture. I will admit I did hear 'Dueling Banjos' playing softly in the background however.

Now I'll admit I've been guilty of letting things drag on because I didn't know how to say 'you're nice and everything, but not my type. Good luck out there skippy'. Then I complain they won't leave me alone. So after about an hour of conversation last night, discussing pertinent things that there must be a commanality and finding none, we're signing off and he suggests another chat soon. I pull up my big girl panties and say "I'm sorry. I just don't think we have that much in common." I smile to myself, proud I've been able to cut this one off at the pass. Then he says he thought I was quiet (that should have been a hint skippy) and I haven't said enough for him to be able to agree or disagree.

Now the sassy mouthed beyotch in me wanted to say 'well it just doesn't matter if you agree with me or not fuck nuts, I didn't ask if you fucking AGREE with me now did I?' However... I kept thos big girl panties on and just said well what do you want to know? And ya know what he asks? What do I like to do for fun with my daughter.

So I indulge him a few more minutes of idle chit chat and as we're signing off he asks if I'd be willing to entertain another chat or do I think it's a lost cause... now I should have just said 'stick a fork in her skip, she's dead' but the nice person said if he wanted to chat that's fine but I sense a vast chasm between us. Yes, that's what I said. He said... good lord... he said he found that interesting and he was looking forward to exploring that in our next chat.

*eye roll*

I'm looking forward to asking him how many times he's been in the back of a cop car and who do you like better, The Distillers or Hole? And isn't Courtney Love the coolest! I wonder how many piercings & tattoos he has. Maybe we can compare.

Something tells me when I hit him with the specifics of just how wide and deep that chasm is, I think that might be the end of it. I'm actually looking forward to it. Gives me something to do to lighten the boredom.

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

It is a spectacular day here today. Sunny, warm... I feel like sitting on the porch after work with a bottle of Fortrant and watching the world go by.

But alas I have to take the sprog to a birthday party then workout for 45 min cause I blew it off yesterday in favour of a nap on the couch.

God reality SUCKS

The Rules

A friend sent this to me and I think it should be required reading on every girl's 13th birthday, laminated, framed and hung in every room in the house.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. Allow your intuition or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

The Sperm Donor Returneth

Well... somebody is going to kill me for keeping this to myself... but somebody also realizes that sometimes I do that, keep it to myself until I can mentally process it and either come to a conclusion or come up with several viable options to be discussed to death until we give up and decide to just throw it on the wall and see what sticks. So after she rags on me for not telling her, I'm quite sure she'll understand.

Reader's Digest History: Met him in June 1992, had child in March 1993, left him in June 1993, reunited October 1993, he left in August 1994. Last contact was December 1994. Drunken New Years Eve (also his B-day so you can imagine the degree of inebriation) call slobbering how he'd change and he missed me and blah blah blah yeah whatever.

And then he dropped off the face of the earth. Forget child support, there wasn't even so much as a birthday or Christmas card for her for 10 years.

Then I get a letter, October 2004. Hi how you doing... I think about you alot... I've been sober for 4 years (fell off the wagon a couple times)... I'd like to get in contact again but I understand if you don't.

Oiy vey. Moral delimma. So many times I cursed him, damned him to hell and back when I couldn't afford something I wanted for her, or when she'd cry that her dad must not love her because he never calls or writes. I explained to her as best I could that we just didn't get along and it was better for us to seperate because we fought too much and didn't want that for her, but I couldn't give her a suitable reason why he never contacted us. I kept my comments to myself knowing she'd figure it out someday for herself, which she eventually did. She's a smart cookie.

Then he comes back into the picture and I have to decide whether to tell her or not. The easy way would have been to trash the letter and never speak of it. My biggest fear us he would do it again, pull the big disappearing act, leaving her heart broken. I would have to fly out to where he is and ram a stilleto into his jugular and I would smile while doing it believe me. After taking a few days to think it through I decided to show her the letter and be ready to pick up the pieces if the need arose. If he remained true to form and did it again, at least she would see for herself what kind of man he is and be done with him.

She cried when I showed her the letter. It was a pretty emotional moment and it was obvious I made the right decision. If all we end up having is the moment of joy when she knew her father decided to take his head out of his ass and let her know he was around, it will have been worth it. Using our old address (my parents house) they write back and forth a couple times. I'm paranoid but he made me this way so touche mutha fucka. He doesn't know we 've moved and I forbid her from telling him. He lives on the other side of the country but he's volatile and unpredictable. He sends presents for Christmas. He must have been visited by three spirits in the night. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Nothing for me, as usual. Asshole.

Then January comes... nothing... February... nothing... March... it's her birthday... nothing... she's making excuses for him. 'He's busy Mom...' No. I've got a life of wasted time making excuses for the men in my life and I refuse to let her start at the tender age of 12. I might get criticized severly for this but I tell her he must have forgot. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just wanted her to see the reality. I don't want her getting all starry eyed about this man. If she doesn't get a head full of false hopes if he lets her down she won't have so far to fall. And I've been pretty good at keeping my comments to myself thus far. But that pissed me off. She was disappointed.

April comes... she's asking me if she can call him. No, I tell her, write him again if you like. Maybe he has nothing to say, I tell her and that's why he hasn't written. He was never a big writer.

Then out of the blue, Mother's Day I wake up to my phone flashing there's a message. Thinking I didn't remember seeing it the day before, I check the ID. It's HIM... and he called at 7am our time (I sleep like the dead so it's no wonder I didn't hear it and he's damn lucky too cause he would have got a mouthful for waking me up that early) . The message was short and simple... Happy Mother's Day... call me... and he hung up. Now to me, he sounded slightly 'slurry' and doing the math it would have been 3am at the time of the call. On the wagon huh.. yeah RIGHT asshole. I don't know how he got my number either because I'm only listed by initial and town. And yes, that's partly because of him. Guess it didn't work cause he found me anyway.

So I tell the sprog, to cheer her up and let her know he called. She bugs me all day CAN I CALL HIM CAN I CALL HIM CAN I CALL HIM?!?! Finally I give in and let her. I hover around the room listening. They talk about not much of anything interesting. Kid stuff. What kinds of shows she likes, toys, games, etc. Then I think he asked why she decided to call and she tells him because he left a message this morning. He says nooo, she says yesss... I'm thinking oh god here we go... she tells him verbatim what he said and he tells her he had hurt his hand and was on pain killers and doesn't remember, but he's glad she called. I sigh and try to ignore the knot in my stomach. She of course find it perfectly plausible. I say nothing. He says he had a computer about a month ago and that's how he got our number. I say bullshit. His computer has since been stolen. Karmic justice I say if he's telling the truth at all.

He calls her the next weekened. Again I hover and listen. Again just kid stuff.

Last Friday night... phone rings and I pick it up without checking the caller ID thinking it's the sprog at her sleepover. Hello? Hello? I hear the crackle of long distance, my stomach knots, I hang up. It rings again... I pick it up. It's HIM. Before I get the chance to ask him to maybe check the clock and do a little fucking MATH next time before he calls our number, he starts talking.

More than the fact the he got my number, I find it even more disturbing at my own reaction at having his voice so close to my face. Obviously the bitter anger and hatred has not been tempered as much as I thought with time. It came rushing back to me with dizzying speed. Not that I ever thought I could ever forgive him for what he put me through, but I thought I had moved past it. I really did. But the more he talked, the more I sat and realized just how much how his treatment of me has affected the rest of my life and how I react to men in general. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if it means I never get tangled up with another man like him again, but it has definitely left me far more bitter and jaded than I realized. I felt like I had been sucked through a time portal right smack into the middle of 1994 and every emotion I felt living with him was crackling under my skin like little live wires.

But I did surprise myself because instead of lashing him with a verbal tirade of immense proportions, I didn't say a whole lot. I let him talk, curious to what he had to say for himself. He didn't go a whole lot into the past which I kinda hoped he would because I was fully prepared to go there oh yes I was. He was telling me of his plans for the future that he's been accepted to university to take business management and he's going to parlay that into something else and eventually become a 'trader' so he tells me. I had to stifle the laugh. If you knew this man you'd laugh too. When I first asked him what he was going to be taking at university and he told me PHD in business management, well, all is not kisher in Denmark because that's just not how the university system works honey bunch. So there is a grain of truth in there, which probably means he's going to community college to take business. This I would believe.

Now... what I found most interesting is his tone of voice throughout our 90 minute conversation where he did most of the talking... he was using his best soft, unthreatening tone. He did wax nostalgic at one point, telling me I did the best thing I could do at the time (buying him a bus ticket home) and he realizes that now (wow- thanx assclown) and remember what I said just before I got on the bus? Remember? Remember? I said I'd never stop loving you. Then you cried a little bit more (it was from relief, BELIEVE me that you were FINALLY leaving me alone). A moment of silence on my endand finally I say... I don't remember that. Sorry. And really, I don't. I think I was so ecstatic he was really leaving the rush of blood to my ears drowned out any outside noises.

So now my dilemma is this. Obviously I have my child's best interest at heart, HOWEVER, he owes me 10+ years of child support and now I have his address and phone number and apparently he has a house and a business (under the table no doubt). If I decide to go for it I have him by the nads, but... what is going to happen with them. She is quite happy to get to know her father, and I've lived without his help this long (and doing quite well these days thank you) HOWEVER, it's the principle of the thing. There were times when it wasn't always good. I had to live at home with my parents for quite a few years while he did god knows what. I'm afraid to even mention it to him in case he pulls up stakes and takes off, however that's a lot more unlikely with him being a homeowner now, but I wouldn't put it past him to disappear, on paper anyway. I'm sure he barely has more than a pot to piss in so I'm not expecting a landslide of cash by any means, but it irks me that he got to toddle around doing whatever he wanted to for 10 years, not a care in the world while I worked my ass off to provide a good life for my child, and now he thinks he can just fucking waltz back in and tell me stories of how hard it was for him when his brother died and his mother died and he went on a big pill bender and got arrested and hit by a bus well BOO HOO obviously it MISSED if you're calling me asshole!

okay... I am now calm again. Opinions are certainly appreciated, otherwise I would have kept this all to myself. Apologies it got so long, but I needed to get it all out. At this point I don't know what he's looking for. My intuition says he's gone through some mid-life crisis and in his own misguided weak way is trying to make some kind of ammends for all his fucked-upness. Well it would never be enough for me, there was too much, but if he's making the sprog happy for the time being, so long as he doesn't cross the line, I'll continue to hover and monitor the situation.