The Sperm Donor Returneth

Well... somebody is going to kill me for keeping this to myself... but somebody also realizes that sometimes I do that, keep it to myself until I can mentally process it and either come to a conclusion or come up with several viable options to be discussed to death until we give up and decide to just throw it on the wall and see what sticks. So after she rags on me for not telling her, I'm quite sure she'll understand.

Reader's Digest History: Met him in June 1992, had child in March 1993, left him in June 1993, reunited October 1993, he left in August 1994. Last contact was December 1994. Drunken New Years Eve (also his B-day so you can imagine the degree of inebriation) call slobbering how he'd change and he missed me and blah blah blah yeah whatever.

And then he dropped off the face of the earth. Forget child support, there wasn't even so much as a birthday or Christmas card for her for 10 years.

Then I get a letter, October 2004. Hi how you doing... I think about you alot... I've been sober for 4 years (fell off the wagon a couple times)... I'd like to get in contact again but I understand if you don't.

Oiy vey. Moral delimma. So many times I cursed him, damned him to hell and back when I couldn't afford something I wanted for her, or when she'd cry that her dad must not love her because he never calls or writes. I explained to her as best I could that we just didn't get along and it was better for us to seperate because we fought too much and didn't want that for her, but I couldn't give her a suitable reason why he never contacted us. I kept my comments to myself knowing she'd figure it out someday for herself, which she eventually did. She's a smart cookie.

Then he comes back into the picture and I have to decide whether to tell her or not. The easy way would have been to trash the letter and never speak of it. My biggest fear us he would do it again, pull the big disappearing act, leaving her heart broken. I would have to fly out to where he is and ram a stilleto into his jugular and I would smile while doing it believe me. After taking a few days to think it through I decided to show her the letter and be ready to pick up the pieces if the need arose. If he remained true to form and did it again, at least she would see for herself what kind of man he is and be done with him.

She cried when I showed her the letter. It was a pretty emotional moment and it was obvious I made the right decision. If all we end up having is the moment of joy when she knew her father decided to take his head out of his ass and let her know he was around, it will have been worth it. Using our old address (my parents house) they write back and forth a couple times. I'm paranoid but he made me this way so touche mutha fucka. He doesn't know we 've moved and I forbid her from telling him. He lives on the other side of the country but he's volatile and unpredictable. He sends presents for Christmas. He must have been visited by three spirits in the night. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Nothing for me, as usual. Asshole.

Then January comes... nothing... February... nothing... March... it's her birthday... nothing... she's making excuses for him. 'He's busy Mom...' No. I've got a life of wasted time making excuses for the men in my life and I refuse to let her start at the tender age of 12. I might get criticized severly for this but I tell her he must have forgot. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just wanted her to see the reality. I don't want her getting all starry eyed about this man. If she doesn't get a head full of false hopes if he lets her down she won't have so far to fall. And I've been pretty good at keeping my comments to myself thus far. But that pissed me off. She was disappointed.

April comes... she's asking me if she can call him. No, I tell her, write him again if you like. Maybe he has nothing to say, I tell her and that's why he hasn't written. He was never a big writer.

Then out of the blue, Mother's Day I wake up to my phone flashing there's a message. Thinking I didn't remember seeing it the day before, I check the ID. It's HIM... and he called at 7am our time (I sleep like the dead so it's no wonder I didn't hear it and he's damn lucky too cause he would have got a mouthful for waking me up that early) . The message was short and simple... Happy Mother's Day... call me... and he hung up. Now to me, he sounded slightly 'slurry' and doing the math it would have been 3am at the time of the call. On the wagon huh.. yeah RIGHT asshole. I don't know how he got my number either because I'm only listed by initial and town. And yes, that's partly because of him. Guess it didn't work cause he found me anyway.

So I tell the sprog, to cheer her up and let her know he called. She bugs me all day CAN I CALL HIM CAN I CALL HIM CAN I CALL HIM?!?! Finally I give in and let her. I hover around the room listening. They talk about not much of anything interesting. Kid stuff. What kinds of shows she likes, toys, games, etc. Then I think he asked why she decided to call and she tells him because he left a message this morning. He says nooo, she says yesss... I'm thinking oh god here we go... she tells him verbatim what he said and he tells her he had hurt his hand and was on pain killers and doesn't remember, but he's glad she called. I sigh and try to ignore the knot in my stomach. She of course find it perfectly plausible. I say nothing. He says he had a computer about a month ago and that's how he got our number. I say bullshit. His computer has since been stolen. Karmic justice I say if he's telling the truth at all.

He calls her the next weekened. Again I hover and listen. Again just kid stuff.

Last Friday night... phone rings and I pick it up without checking the caller ID thinking it's the sprog at her sleepover. Hello? Hello? I hear the crackle of long distance, my stomach knots, I hang up. It rings again... I pick it up. It's HIM. Before I get the chance to ask him to maybe check the clock and do a little fucking MATH next time before he calls our number, he starts talking.

More than the fact the he got my number, I find it even more disturbing at my own reaction at having his voice so close to my face. Obviously the bitter anger and hatred has not been tempered as much as I thought with time. It came rushing back to me with dizzying speed. Not that I ever thought I could ever forgive him for what he put me through, but I thought I had moved past it. I really did. But the more he talked, the more I sat and realized just how much how his treatment of me has affected the rest of my life and how I react to men in general. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if it means I never get tangled up with another man like him again, but it has definitely left me far more bitter and jaded than I realized. I felt like I had been sucked through a time portal right smack into the middle of 1994 and every emotion I felt living with him was crackling under my skin like little live wires.

But I did surprise myself because instead of lashing him with a verbal tirade of immense proportions, I didn't say a whole lot. I let him talk, curious to what he had to say for himself. He didn't go a whole lot into the past which I kinda hoped he would because I was fully prepared to go there oh yes I was. He was telling me of his plans for the future that he's been accepted to university to take business management and he's going to parlay that into something else and eventually become a 'trader' so he tells me. I had to stifle the laugh. If you knew this man you'd laugh too. When I first asked him what he was going to be taking at university and he told me PHD in business management, well, all is not kisher in Denmark because that's just not how the university system works honey bunch. So there is a grain of truth in there, which probably means he's going to community college to take business. This I would believe.

Now... what I found most interesting is his tone of voice throughout our 90 minute conversation where he did most of the talking... he was using his best soft, unthreatening tone. He did wax nostalgic at one point, telling me I did the best thing I could do at the time (buying him a bus ticket home) and he realizes that now (wow- thanx assclown) and remember what I said just before I got on the bus? Remember? Remember? I said I'd never stop loving you. Then you cried a little bit more (it was from relief, BELIEVE me that you were FINALLY leaving me alone). A moment of silence on my endand finally I say... I don't remember that. Sorry. And really, I don't. I think I was so ecstatic he was really leaving the rush of blood to my ears drowned out any outside noises.

So now my dilemma is this. Obviously I have my child's best interest at heart, HOWEVER, he owes me 10+ years of child support and now I have his address and phone number and apparently he has a house and a business (under the table no doubt). If I decide to go for it I have him by the nads, but... what is going to happen with them. She is quite happy to get to know her father, and I've lived without his help this long (and doing quite well these days thank you) HOWEVER, it's the principle of the thing. There were times when it wasn't always good. I had to live at home with my parents for quite a few years while he did god knows what. I'm afraid to even mention it to him in case he pulls up stakes and takes off, however that's a lot more unlikely with him being a homeowner now, but I wouldn't put it past him to disappear, on paper anyway. I'm sure he barely has more than a pot to piss in so I'm not expecting a landslide of cash by any means, but it irks me that he got to toddle around doing whatever he wanted to for 10 years, not a care in the world while I worked my ass off to provide a good life for my child, and now he thinks he can just fucking waltz back in and tell me stories of how hard it was for him when his brother died and his mother died and he went on a big pill bender and got arrested and hit by a bus well BOO HOO obviously it MISSED if you're calling me asshole!

okay... I am now calm again. Opinions are certainly appreciated, otherwise I would have kept this all to myself. Apologies it got so long, but I needed to get it all out. At this point I don't know what he's looking for. My intuition says he's gone through some mid-life crisis and in his own misguided weak way is trying to make some kind of ammends for all his fucked-upness. Well it would never be enough for me, there was too much, but if he's making the sprog happy for the time being, so long as he doesn't cross the line, I'll continue to hover and monitor the situation.