The Rules

A friend sent this to me and I think it should be required reading on every girl's 13th birthday, laminated, framed and hung in every room in the house.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. Allow your intuition or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

The Sperm Donor Returneth

Well... somebody is going to kill me for keeping this to myself... but somebody also realizes that sometimes I do that, keep it to myself until I can mentally process it and either come to a conclusion or come up with several viable options to be discussed to death until we give up and decide to just throw it on the wall and see what sticks. So after she rags on me for not telling her, I'm quite sure she'll understand.

Reader's Digest History: Met him in June 1992, had child in March 1993, left him in June 1993, reunited October 1993, he left in August 1994. Last contact was December 1994. Drunken New Years Eve (also his B-day so you can imagine the degree of inebriation) call slobbering how he'd change and he missed me and blah blah blah yeah whatever.

And then he dropped off the face of the earth. Forget child support, there wasn't even so much as a birthday or Christmas card for her for 10 years.

Then I get a letter, October 2004. Hi how you doing... I think about you alot... I've been sober for 4 years (fell off the wagon a couple times)... I'd like to get in contact again but I understand if you don't.

Oiy vey. Moral delimma. So many times I cursed him, damned him to hell and back when I couldn't afford something I wanted for her, or when she'd cry that her dad must not love her because he never calls or writes. I explained to her as best I could that we just didn't get along and it was better for us to seperate because we fought too much and didn't want that for her, but I couldn't give her a suitable reason why he never contacted us. I kept my comments to myself knowing she'd figure it out someday for herself, which she eventually did. She's a smart cookie.

Then he comes back into the picture and I have to decide whether to tell her or not. The easy way would have been to trash the letter and never speak of it. My biggest fear us he would do it again, pull the big disappearing act, leaving her heart broken. I would have to fly out to where he is and ram a stilleto into his jugular and I would smile while doing it believe me. After taking a few days to think it through I decided to show her the letter and be ready to pick up the pieces if the need arose. If he remained true to form and did it again, at least she would see for herself what kind of man he is and be done with him.

She cried when I showed her the letter. It was a pretty emotional moment and it was obvious I made the right decision. If all we end up having is the moment of joy when she knew her father decided to take his head out of his ass and let her know he was around, it will have been worth it. Using our old address (my parents house) they write back and forth a couple times. I'm paranoid but he made me this way so touche mutha fucka. He doesn't know we 've moved and I forbid her from telling him. He lives on the other side of the country but he's volatile and unpredictable. He sends presents for Christmas. He must have been visited by three spirits in the night. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Nothing for me, as usual. Asshole.

Then January comes... nothing... February... nothing... March... it's her birthday... nothing... she's making excuses for him. 'He's busy Mom...' No. I've got a life of wasted time making excuses for the men in my life and I refuse to let her start at the tender age of 12. I might get criticized severly for this but I tell her he must have forgot. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just wanted her to see the reality. I don't want her getting all starry eyed about this man. If she doesn't get a head full of false hopes if he lets her down she won't have so far to fall. And I've been pretty good at keeping my comments to myself thus far. But that pissed me off. She was disappointed.

April comes... she's asking me if she can call him. No, I tell her, write him again if you like. Maybe he has nothing to say, I tell her and that's why he hasn't written. He was never a big writer.

Then out of the blue, Mother's Day I wake up to my phone flashing there's a message. Thinking I didn't remember seeing it the day before, I check the ID. It's HIM... and he called at 7am our time (I sleep like the dead so it's no wonder I didn't hear it and he's damn lucky too cause he would have got a mouthful for waking me up that early) . The message was short and simple... Happy Mother's Day... call me... and he hung up. Now to me, he sounded slightly 'slurry' and doing the math it would have been 3am at the time of the call. On the wagon huh.. yeah RIGHT asshole. I don't know how he got my number either because I'm only listed by initial and town. And yes, that's partly because of him. Guess it didn't work cause he found me anyway.

So I tell the sprog, to cheer her up and let her know he called. She bugs me all day CAN I CALL HIM CAN I CALL HIM CAN I CALL HIM?!?! Finally I give in and let her. I hover around the room listening. They talk about not much of anything interesting. Kid stuff. What kinds of shows she likes, toys, games, etc. Then I think he asked why she decided to call and she tells him because he left a message this morning. He says nooo, she says yesss... I'm thinking oh god here we go... she tells him verbatim what he said and he tells her he had hurt his hand and was on pain killers and doesn't remember, but he's glad she called. I sigh and try to ignore the knot in my stomach. She of course find it perfectly plausible. I say nothing. He says he had a computer about a month ago and that's how he got our number. I say bullshit. His computer has since been stolen. Karmic justice I say if he's telling the truth at all.

He calls her the next weekened. Again I hover and listen. Again just kid stuff.

Last Friday night... phone rings and I pick it up without checking the caller ID thinking it's the sprog at her sleepover. Hello? Hello? I hear the crackle of long distance, my stomach knots, I hang up. It rings again... I pick it up. It's HIM. Before I get the chance to ask him to maybe check the clock and do a little fucking MATH next time before he calls our number, he starts talking.

More than the fact the he got my number, I find it even more disturbing at my own reaction at having his voice so close to my face. Obviously the bitter anger and hatred has not been tempered as much as I thought with time. It came rushing back to me with dizzying speed. Not that I ever thought I could ever forgive him for what he put me through, but I thought I had moved past it. I really did. But the more he talked, the more I sat and realized just how much how his treatment of me has affected the rest of my life and how I react to men in general. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if it means I never get tangled up with another man like him again, but it has definitely left me far more bitter and jaded than I realized. I felt like I had been sucked through a time portal right smack into the middle of 1994 and every emotion I felt living with him was crackling under my skin like little live wires.

But I did surprise myself because instead of lashing him with a verbal tirade of immense proportions, I didn't say a whole lot. I let him talk, curious to what he had to say for himself. He didn't go a whole lot into the past which I kinda hoped he would because I was fully prepared to go there oh yes I was. He was telling me of his plans for the future that he's been accepted to university to take business management and he's going to parlay that into something else and eventually become a 'trader' so he tells me. I had to stifle the laugh. If you knew this man you'd laugh too. When I first asked him what he was going to be taking at university and he told me PHD in business management, well, all is not kisher in Denmark because that's just not how the university system works honey bunch. So there is a grain of truth in there, which probably means he's going to community college to take business. This I would believe.

Now... what I found most interesting is his tone of voice throughout our 90 minute conversation where he did most of the talking... he was using his best soft, unthreatening tone. He did wax nostalgic at one point, telling me I did the best thing I could do at the time (buying him a bus ticket home) and he realizes that now (wow- thanx assclown) and remember what I said just before I got on the bus? Remember? Remember? I said I'd never stop loving you. Then you cried a little bit more (it was from relief, BELIEVE me that you were FINALLY leaving me alone). A moment of silence on my endand finally I say... I don't remember that. Sorry. And really, I don't. I think I was so ecstatic he was really leaving the rush of blood to my ears drowned out any outside noises.

So now my dilemma is this. Obviously I have my child's best interest at heart, HOWEVER, he owes me 10+ years of child support and now I have his address and phone number and apparently he has a house and a business (under the table no doubt). If I decide to go for it I have him by the nads, but... what is going to happen with them. She is quite happy to get to know her father, and I've lived without his help this long (and doing quite well these days thank you) HOWEVER, it's the principle of the thing. There were times when it wasn't always good. I had to live at home with my parents for quite a few years while he did god knows what. I'm afraid to even mention it to him in case he pulls up stakes and takes off, however that's a lot more unlikely with him being a homeowner now, but I wouldn't put it past him to disappear, on paper anyway. I'm sure he barely has more than a pot to piss in so I'm not expecting a landslide of cash by any means, but it irks me that he got to toddle around doing whatever he wanted to for 10 years, not a care in the world while I worked my ass off to provide a good life for my child, and now he thinks he can just fucking waltz back in and tell me stories of how hard it was for him when his brother died and his mother died and he went on a big pill bender and got arrested and hit by a bus well BOO HOO obviously it MISSED if you're calling me asshole!

okay... I am now calm again. Opinions are certainly appreciated, otherwise I would have kept this all to myself. Apologies it got so long, but I needed to get it all out. At this point I don't know what he's looking for. My intuition says he's gone through some mid-life crisis and in his own misguided weak way is trying to make some kind of ammends for all his fucked-upness. Well it would never be enough for me, there was too much, but if he's making the sprog happy for the time being, so long as he doesn't cross the line, I'll continue to hover and monitor the situation.

The Freak Show

Lavalife… match.com… eharmony… yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Singles sights. They’ve come a long way from the days when you’d just DIE if someone found out you had a profile on one of these sites and god forbid actually going on blind dates with people you met there. It seems to be almost passe now, not even an eyebrow raised at the mention you met your current paramour on Lavalife.

What I like is the anonymity and the fact that you get to know each other first on an intellectual (or sometimes not) level before you decide if you’d like to take it to the next step. You’re getting a feel for the important stuff first before you get sucked in by the eye candy (again- or not) and your judgement is not clouded by the visual. Because let’s face it, the visual gets your attention but there’s got to be substance to hold it… unless your name is Nick Lachey because obviously he doesn’t give a crap about things like IQ levels or where his partner stands on the whole Middle East crisis. But I digress.

There are a WHOLE bunch of different kinds of menfolk out there. A virtual cacophony of varied types looking for different things. And I’ll tell ya… some of them are just fucking SCARY.

For your amusement I’ve taken the liberty of copying/pasting some of the more interesting profiles I found today. Just today. So multiply this by ohhhhhh… 365.

"I am a old fashing county boy down to eath,I like simple thing in life. I take prid in what i do,and in life. I been hurt in life with my heart, it's going to take a special person to open my heart again to find true love"
*Well, I hope it’s a special person with a TRANSLATOR who can figure out what the fuck you’re trying to say. Anyone here speak Klingon? Anyone?

"just tring this out to see if there is any people that want to hang out and party or what ever.i am married but don't let that stop you from clicking.fun guy just wants fun times.i have six tattoos and two earrings.want to know more ask i will answer"
*Yes I want to know more… I want to know why a married guy who thinks his six tattoos and two earrings (not just one but TWO) automatically give him a ‘Cool Pass’ thinks it’s wise to put this, along with his PICTURE on a singles website looking for ‘fun times’. Better start hiding the assets fucknuts.

"Just a man lokking for fun as i am bored and do not like being bored."
*You could try reading a few pages out of the dictionary to alleviate that boredom. Maybe take a grammar class or three.

"hi, i consider myself unique. When they made me they threw away the mold and shredded the instructions LOL. I am currently working towards a military career."
*LOL… -sigh- … lol’ng should be outlawed. It’s irritating. Excessive LOL’ng gets you booted and blocked from my world. It’s the crutch for the intellectually handicapped

"Hi girls! I enjoy sex, reading, music, soccer, drinking, hanging at the bar, partying, cooking, and sex. I would like to find a girl that is independent and likes to go out and have a good time."
*And if you could see this guy, it’s no small wonder he mentions sex twice because with a mug like that he ain’t nevah gonna get none so he wants to ensure the ladies know what his intentions are right from the get go

"Hey there! Just checking out this site. Seems pretty cool so far. I'm 34 yrs old and 5'4" tall. I enjoy working out, hockey, playing guitar, and just hanging out. I am studying to be a pharmacist. More later. Bye for now."
*And behind him in his living room you can see huge wall hangings, one that reads Stanley Cup, the other Maple Leafs. In his LIVING ROOM. 34 years old. Hockey flags. In his living room. –sigh-. He reminds me of the guy I dated that lived in a small apartment- bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom. One working lightbulb. He’d just unscrew it and take it from room to room where it was required. I shit you not. May God/Buddha/ Allah/the Grand Poobah strike me dead if I’m lying.

So you see what us single gals have to wade through to find even one half decent candidate. Although it is a good source of entertainment on a quiet workday to wade through this unending parade of freaks.

But it’s not fair to paint them all with the same brush. I’ve dated quite a few nice, normal guys I’ve met on singles sights. The trick is to take your time and chat a few times to make sure you’re riding the same wave before you dive into the first date. And trust your gut. I can’t stress this enough. If some guy sends you a picture of his bare ass for no apparent reason then denies it and says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about because all he was doing was cleaning out some files on his computer… deep breath… I think it’s best to move on because I think there are some real issues at play there.

Is it any wonder I’m still single?

New Moon on Monday

Monday.

*vomit*

They oughta be outlawed. My eyes are burning from not enough sleep because I stay up way too late because somehow I think if I don't go to bed and go to sleep, tomorrow will never come. If I don't sleep, I can't wake up to a new day. I liked the previous day. I'd like to stay on that one for awhile please.

La Tortura

I've been listening to Shakira's new song 'La Tortura' in Spanish for the last hour and it's a sexy bitch. She's a sexy bitch. I took up belly dancing because of her... and Spanish. I'm sure once I hear La Tortura in English it'll lose something in the translation. It'll take away all that sexy Latin sizzle.

Yup. Just another EXCITING Saturday night in Suburbia,

me duele tanto
me duele tanto

The Bullet & The Bullseye

I had him in my sights. I could have ended it all with just a little pressure on my right foot. I could have insured that there would be no more phone calls asking me to go places and do things when I'm feeling vulnerable and lonely (he seems to have a 6th sense for this when it comes to me). And I bet I could have very easily gotten away with it if I cried and blinked enough and said something like the sun was in my eyes, or I thought the light had turned green, or he jumped out from behind a bush just as I turned on to my street. I was already turning when he just CAME OUT OF NOWHERE OFFICER! and maybe you should check his blood alcohol level cause I bet it's SKY HIGH. Grissom would. I know he would. Well, he'd had Catherine do it but it would get done none the less and I would be cleared of any wrong doing.

This man... man-child... necessitated coining a new term- 'phuque buddy'. He is what Nick & Jessica would create should they decide to reproduce (god help us all). He possesses all of Nick's good looks and dare I say has even less brain cells than her. He is the genetic prototype of their unholy union.

So you can understand what sucked me in. Don't be too hard on me. He came along at a time when I needed to know I was still attractive. I needed to know someone wanted me. Hard to believe but I was having a bit of a self-esteem problem oh so many years ago. So when this simple headed boy child with his intense green eyes and dazzling smile came along of course I went for it. Little did I know it would stretch into 3 years of off-and-on-again bullshit.

But if nothing else, he proved the be the perfect test case for all my theories. When I wanted him, he couldn't be bothered. When I turned around and said fine, I don't need you, I'm moving on... well, it's been 3 years and he still hasn't gone away completely. He still calls every few months just to see if maybe I've had a full frontal lobotomy and would consider settling down with him.

EEHH! Here are your lovely parting gifts. Thanx for playing.

NEXT!

Where's my coffee dammit?!

So where are these guys that supposedly wanted to have coffee with me? HUH?

Yeah? Call me up NOW and see what kind of answer you'll get. Time limit is UP boys. I'm movin' on.

HMPH.

Emotional Rescue

So apparently I had an emotional breakdown. It feels somewhat comforting to be diagnosed, to put a name on it, to identify the problem.

I kinda felt it at the time... I mean... I knew something was wrong but I just thought it was a whole bunch of things that have happened the past couple years that I of course locked away in a little metal box because I was just TOO BUSY TO DEAL WITH THEM NO GO AWAY. I just thought all these things had somehow escaped at once to attack me.
But one thing, one event set the ball in motion... picked at that one card on the bottom of the house of cards that was holding the whole thing gracefully aloft until they all just came crashing down.

Thanx T. You know what you did and I know that no matter what you tell yourself, that late at night when it's just you and your thoughts laying in bed in the dark that you think about what you did and I know ... because I know you ... that although you would NEVER admit it in a million years, you know what you did to me on purpose. You picked the one thing, my achilles heel and you slammed the proverbial arrow in there with your bare hands and laughed while you did it while turning an innocent face to your accuser and anyone else who looked at you for the first time as if you were someone different than who they thought they knew. No matter how innocent you try to appear, how many excuses you come up with... you can't take it back. I know your obsessive need to be liked and admired took a bit hit over that. For the first time you realized that people might actually be mad at you and you didn't like it. Way to sully your own reputation dumbass.

And of course everyone said 'why don't you just make up' blah blah blah. Their hearts are in the right place. But my point was... if someone who was one of your closest friends for over 20 years can one day just go into Mr. Hyde mode and pull a complete prick job, why would you want to put yourself in the position of risking them doing it to you again? If they didn't think enough of you after 20 years of friendship, what else are they capable of? No thank you.

ANYWAY... that manipulative cunt has to live with what she did while I trip along the High Road conscience clear. Sure I may have a few less friends... correction... one less friend, but as the old saying goes, with friends like that, who needs enemas- no... wait... that's not right...

And I think the emotional breakdown would have been a lot more fun with meds. Percocet is always a nice precursor to an unexplained crying jag. I had something the doc gave me after I quit smoking to take the edge off because I wasn't sleeping but they were like pez compared to the big boys. Sure they gave a nice little float but it was mild and it didn't last. Apparently they give it to recovering alcoholics during withdrawal. *snort*

I tried heroin once, by accident and to this day I still think about it. Opiates rawk man. Thank god I have a strong constitution and know better.

Anywho... I feel better these days, for the most part. I still have issues I'm trying to deal with and work through. I've thought about talking to a therapist and think it would probably do a world of good, but it's really hard to get in to see anyone around here. Luckily I have a friend who's willing to listen to my ramblings and tell me when I'm right and when I'm full of shit. Everyone needs a friend who's not scared to tell you what they REALLY think. I think it's an insult not to tell your friend what they think, especially if they ask. Obviously they want to know if they ask. But I get in trouble for it all the time, get accused of being 'rude'. People often confuse honesty with rudeness, if it's not something they want to hear.

Well if you don't want to know, don't fucking ask I say.

Just put on your big girl panties and deal with it

It seems to me my dating life consists of more coy flirting and on line chatting than actually GOING OUT somewhere. I think guys feel safer hiding behind their crt's, afraid if they step out from behind the curtain the woman will shriek and run away in horror. Men don't seem to get it that if we've chatted a respectable amount of time, you invite us (you guessed it) for coffee and we accept... guess what... odds are we're intrigued enough to want to get to know you better and unless you've grievously misrepresented your physical appearance, we're not going to run away.

See... here's the thing... if we've met through an online singles site, you can safely assume I'm there because I wanted to meet someone to date... not chat on MSN night after night after night about the weather, work, blah blah blah. I have no desire for an 'online' romance, relationship... whatever you want to call it. This is merely another venue to meet people, get to know them a little bit and decide if you want to take it to the next level. I don't understand how one can have a relationship with a person they've never met. I can see how one can develop an attraction and be interested in that person but come on, there's got to be some physical contact, even just being in the same room once or twice before it can officially be called a relationship.

So to you Mr. C. I'll say this: What the hell did you think was going to happen after two months of chatting to you, getting to know you, throwing out every hint I could think of including the words So do you want to take this to the real world sometime? Maybe have coffee? (gawd I know, I do it too. ugh) Like I could not have been ANY clearer that yes, I did want to meet him. But did he take the ball and run with it? Of course not. So I blocked him on msn and went on with my life. A week later, after I felt he had enough time to decide if he was upset that I was gone, I unblocked him. He was frantic to know where I had gone... what had I been up to... I had mental images of him sitting up til all hours of the night, devouring coffee by the gallons, staring at his contact list for the joyous moment that little box would pop up telling him I was back on line, back to the world he felt comfortable in.

So I told him I had met someone else. *shrug* And I told him I had a date that weekend. I was only partially lying. I had met someone else but the date was tentative. But he didn't need to know that.

He went from sniveling to pissy in 2.3 seconds. He started making snarky little comments like a dissed bitch would. So I asked him what his problem was and of course he said everything was cool (afraid of confrontation), which of course it wasn't so I came out and asked him What did he expect? He never asked me out once and someone else did, so grow up. I gave him more hints than a grown up man should need and if he couldn't take it from there maybe he needed to go back to the playground to find his women because most of us won't sit around forever while you get your shit together.

But the really funny thing about him is he still says 'hi' to me on line from time to time, asks me how things are, then doesn't say anything else... like is that supposed to irritate me? Does he think he's getting under my skin or something? He reminds me of when we were in high school and to get the guys attention... we ignored him (What was up with that?). This is what he does. He's so odd. Just put on your big girl panties and deal with it moron.

Ahhh well. It worked out for the best I guess because I don't need a man who needs so much prodding to do something. I need a man who did not leave his backbone in the birth canal. A man who's maturity has progressed beyond the high school level.

And can someone PLEASE tell me just what the hell is a Hollaback Girl?

Did someone say coffee?

So last weekend I'm off buying much needed furniture for ma maison. I had scoped everything out the weekend before and made my decision through the week, so Saturday was the day to seal the deal. So I got the feeling the furniture man was flirting with me the weekend before but because I'm kinda clueless in spotting these things while they're occurring, I wasn't quite positive. But when I got home Saturday and he called to say the truck was on the way, then mentioned he'd come down and "we'll have coffee sometime..." I realized my instinct wasn't too far off the mark.

Then a scant 24 hours later I'm strolling through the display booths at the once a year Home Show (stuff for home owners like I can afford any of it because I'm a home owner DUH) and I happen to run into a young man I had coffee with (are we sensing the pattern yet?) a few months ago. He was manning the financial... whatever he does booth. So we chatted, he asked questions to show me that he was indeed interested in what I've been up to since our one date so many months ago (do I look excited?), then says "I'll drop in and we'll go for coffee sometime... "

I'm just now realizing that in my neck of the woods that 'coffee' is the First Date of choice. But when you think about it, it's perfect. It's casual and comfortable with minimal financial investment for the gentleman (you think I'm paying?! phft) should he realize halfway through the date the lady in question has all the intelligence of a garden variety mushroom or a laugh like a Ford Tempo with a broken fan belt. And lest you think I'm that altruistic in my thinking, if you've met some of the gents I've dated lately, they're not the only ones that need to sit close to the exit and be able to fake food poisoning on the fly. "Oh will you look at the time?! I've got to hurry home and give my dog his epilepsy medication!" WHOOSH! and there she goes...

I'm not fussy or picky, but I know what I want and what I will and will not put up with. I'm very comfortable with who I am and make no apologies for it. I won't settle for any less than how I deserve to be treated... and once I developed that attitude the calibre of menfolk that came calling improved drastically. I'm not a regular Oprah watcher (I'm a 9-5er) but I did catch that episode with the 'He's Just Not That Into You' people and it was SOOOO bang on it was scary and I really sincerely hoped that all the women out there that let themselves be treated like Tier 4 booty calls got the message and got it together. They will treat you how you let them treat you. And that goes for guys too. It's not gender specific.

Anyway... I swore I wasn't going to ramble on with my first ever post but I should have known better. This blog stuff is better than therapy for us frustrated writers without a venue.