I have had to deal with far too much death of loved ones for such a short time on this plane. Isn't there some kind of sliding scale for these things? I understand the older you get, well, these things happen. But I'm not even 40 yet and I've had to go through all four of my grandparents, school chums, my mother, my birth mother, assorted dogs, cats, and we bury my aunt next week. She died in April (we had to wait for relatives from the states to be able to come hence the delay in the burial). And now I worry about my cats, my aunt has cancer and my dad isn't getting any younger. Good thing I like wearing black.
But anyway.
I was finally able to call the pet cemetary to make arrangements for my puppy without bursting into tears on the phone. I also had to take 2 of the cats in for allergy shots two days after I had to go through the whole ordeal with him. That was kinda tough knowing he was still there... in the... ya know... 'basement'.
But as the old song goes, life goes on. The house is quiet. Too quiet. And I feel somewhat more vulnerable without my security system alerting me to uncharacteristic neighborhood sounds. I used to be able to leave the downstairs window open on hot nights, but not anymore... wait a second... didn't I have a dream about people trying to get into my house? And I remember in the dream wondering why Cayman wasn't barking? And wanting to close the window but being afraid to.
Wow. Okay. That's going to require more indepth thought.
Anyway, so my dad fixed the back door so it actually latches and locks now. Again I never really worried about it with my protector keeping an eye on things. I may get another dog some day, but a smaller one. I loved my puppy but dayum he was a handful and a half some days. And planning even just an overnight trip required a trip to a boarding kennel because no one wants to deal with a dog that size.
I miss my puppy and if I could turn back time and have him back I would.
So why do I feel guilty that I like the idea I can leave my supper on the coffee table to refill my water glass? Or that I don't have to worry someone's going to walk in and let the dog out? That I can take the cat's food dishes out of the bathroom and down to the kitchen? That I don't have to pick up every scrap of paper from his reach before I go to bed?
And the cats... *insert sardonic laughter*... they're not even bothering to hide their elation that he's not there anymore. They're stretched out on their backs snoozing at any given time in the middle of the living room or kitchen. Although the kitten is worrying me. She grew up with the puppy (she's 2yrs) and they played together. She's taken up residence in the same spot in the kitchen for the last week. It's almost like she's waiting for him to come in the back door from being outside. But she's not meowing or acting sad and morose. She's just been laying around in a spot she previously hadn't. I can't decide if she's taken advantage of the fact that he's not going to put her head in his mouth or if she's waiting for him. She's a hard cat to read.
And the guy who sent me an unsolicited picture of his bare ass has contacted me again. Christ what is WITH these guys? Do they think our memories are that short? Come on! I talked to him briefly last night and he asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no, then he said 'you were last time we talked'... like that makes a difference now because...? I just said 'yeah and that was how long ago?' He's still the same and I'm still not interested. GO. AWAY.
There's a big music festival here this weekend so getting together with friends and partaking of libations should scare off some of the dark clouds that have been hanging over my house.
'The Revenants' by The Distillers
My favourite song. Check it out.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Off He Goes ...
I'm sorry I didn't play catch with you more often. I'm sorry I didn't take you for more walks.
I'm sorry I yelled at you for eating the book/shoes/poster/etc
But remember when we cuddled in my bed when it thundered?
Remember when we chased the cats just for fun?
You were doing good learning spanish.
We had fun playing ninjas and hide & seek too.
The kitten is already terrorizing the elder cats now that she doesn't have you to tease.
I won't feel quite as safe alone in the house now.
We miss you already. I'll see ya when I get there buddy and I promise we'll
play catch until we fall down.
rip Cayman Watermelon July 20, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Cassanova
A friend sent this to me and I thought it muy worthy of postage. Please feel free to pass this on to your male friends... in fact I would encourage it:
He thought every woman was special. No Bo Derek clones or one-to-ten rankings for Casanova. He loved one woman at a time, and although he lavished compliments on them, his praise was based on what made each woman unique. Nothing was too insignificant to mention; he may have admired the way she ate a peach. (When he met Henriette, his greatest love, she was disguised as a soldier; he told her he admired her “whimsical” uniform.) He also liked intelligence and believed that an ugly, witty woman seduced through the charms of her mind.
How can you put this lesson into practice? Look for what makes a woman different from everyone else, and tell her how much you appreciate it—one unique comment can be a hundred times more appreciated than a generic “you’re so beautiful.”
He loved listening to women talk. Many women read books by or about men to find out what men think, but how many men read books to learn about women? No such fears troubled Casanova. Proud of his masculinity, he would be shocked by anyone who thought it was unmanly to listen to women talk. He once famously said, “I’ve never made love to a woman whose language I didn’t speak because I like to enjoy myself in all my senses at once.” In his view, good conversation was the best foreplay—the first step in a seduction—and he liked both partners to take pleasure in it. So instead of taking the conversational lead on your next date, try engaging your date on a topic she’s really interested in talking about. You might be surprised by what she has to say.
He treasured and respected women as friends. Being friends with women was just as important to Casanova as being lovers—he wasn’t out to degrade or debauch. He once remarked that women were like books: You need to read more than the title in order to enjoy them. Because of his deep respect for women, he would never “love ’em and leave ’em”—in fact, he maintained close friendships with many of his lovers all his life. It may sound obvious, but treating a potential date with the same attention and respect you’d give to any friend will go a long way toward winning her heart.
He lived life to its fullest. Casanova felt that happiness was the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. He knew that pursuing pleasure and love wasn’t a distraction from personal fulfillment, but a worthy end in itself, and he would have laughed at our stressed-out, overachieving culture. To be loved by Casanova was to be well-fed and sensually satiated. Why not take a cue from him? Slow down and celebrate your life. A passion for living is always irresistible.
He thought every woman was special. No Bo Derek clones or one-to-ten rankings for Casanova. He loved one woman at a time, and although he lavished compliments on them, his praise was based on what made each woman unique. Nothing was too insignificant to mention; he may have admired the way she ate a peach. (When he met Henriette, his greatest love, she was disguised as a soldier; he told her he admired her “whimsical” uniform.) He also liked intelligence and believed that an ugly, witty woman seduced through the charms of her mind.
How can you put this lesson into practice? Look for what makes a woman different from everyone else, and tell her how much you appreciate it—one unique comment can be a hundred times more appreciated than a generic “you’re so beautiful.”
He loved listening to women talk. Many women read books by or about men to find out what men think, but how many men read books to learn about women? No such fears troubled Casanova. Proud of his masculinity, he would be shocked by anyone who thought it was unmanly to listen to women talk. He once famously said, “I’ve never made love to a woman whose language I didn’t speak because I like to enjoy myself in all my senses at once.” In his view, good conversation was the best foreplay—the first step in a seduction—and he liked both partners to take pleasure in it. So instead of taking the conversational lead on your next date, try engaging your date on a topic she’s really interested in talking about. You might be surprised by what she has to say.
He treasured and respected women as friends. Being friends with women was just as important to Casanova as being lovers—he wasn’t out to degrade or debauch. He once remarked that women were like books: You need to read more than the title in order to enjoy them. Because of his deep respect for women, he would never “love ’em and leave ’em”—in fact, he maintained close friendships with many of his lovers all his life. It may sound obvious, but treating a potential date with the same attention and respect you’d give to any friend will go a long way toward winning her heart.
He lived life to its fullest. Casanova felt that happiness was the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. He knew that pursuing pleasure and love wasn’t a distraction from personal fulfillment, but a worthy end in itself, and he would have laughed at our stressed-out, overachieving culture. To be loved by Casanova was to be well-fed and sensually satiated. Why not take a cue from him? Slow down and celebrate your life. A passion for living is always irresistible.
Monday, July 18, 2005
With a Rebel Yell
I want more piercings and tatts.
I am surpressing my rebellious nature but it feels like I'm losing. I always felt that it let me win anyway, until it got tired of waiting then it would take me over like the Exorcist.
I'm scared to watch the new show 'Inked' coming on A&E this Wed for it will probably be followed up by a trip to my friendly neighborhood tattoo dude. Good thing I'm not rich cause lack of cash flow seems to be the only thing that stops me sometimes.
I am surpressing my rebellious nature but it feels like I'm losing. I always felt that it let me win anyway, until it got tired of waiting then it would take me over like the Exorcist.
I'm scared to watch the new show 'Inked' coming on A&E this Wed for it will probably be followed up by a trip to my friendly neighborhood tattoo dude. Good thing I'm not rich cause lack of cash flow seems to be the only thing that stops me sometimes.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Insane Clown Posse
I had a nightmare last night that scared the bejesus out of me.
I was at home and was getting ready for bed when I heard footsteps on my porch. I peeked out the bathroom window (2nd floor) and saw three young men I didn't recognize, roughly 17, 18 yrs hanging out on my porch. The street I live on is a dead end and it's almost like the whole street is a community 'front yard'. It's really cool that way. So while I thought 'who the hell are those kids and why are they on my porch', I also thought okay, maybe they don't realize this is my house, not the kid's they're hanging out with. My kid was in bed asleep in the dream.
And I almost forgot to mention, these kids all had their faces painted circus clown style, red, blue, white, but sloppy, like Halloween make up.
So I peek out underneath the blind again and I see them there (although this is actually physically impossible with my actual house, but let's suspend reality) and I look around the street and realize all the other kids have gone in, but these boys are still there. Then I hear one of them try my door, which is thankfully locked. My first reaction is to yell at them to get the hell off my porch but for once in my life I'm thinking it might be safer to shut the hell up and they'll go away. And they're not really doing anything other than hanging out on my porch. And I notice my dog isn't barking and I find this odd. He doesn't bark at familiar people or sounds.
I continue getting ready for bed and just before I slip under the sheets I look again and see then heading off down the street. I think I see a beer in one of their hands but my subconscious could have inserted this apres-dream for effect.
So I crawl into bed relieved they're wandering away. But not minutes later I hear my doorknob (downstairs) rattle again and I hear them again and I know they're trying to get into my house. I think they think my house is empty and they want to just come in and hang out and drink beer but what will they do when they get in and realize there are people in here, and one lonely female with a child at that.
Feeling the panic rise I reach for the cordless phone by my bed but find it's gone dead because my daughter left it off the base too long. Trying to be quiet I curse and sneak into the hallway to get a different cordless. Sidenote: I don't know why I'm being quiet and sneaking beause they actually haven't gotten into the house at this point. In the dream I feel like if they hear me they'll bust into the house to get me. And I don't have a cordless phone on a table in the hallway.
I try to muffle the sound of pressing the buttons for 911 by hiding in a corner of the room and covering it with a blanket. I also don't want to wake my daughter up because she'd panic more than me. I can hear them moving around outside my house, looking for a way in. The line rings and an automated voice tells me I've reached 911 and they're going to pass me to an operator... and it rings... and the doorknob rattles a little harder, they laugh... it rings... are they at the back of the house... it continues to ring and no one is picking up and I'm thinking if they don't hurry up it'll be too late... and it's still ringing and I'm panicing and my breathing is rapid and shallow and I'm suddenly terrified...
And I wake up with a start, breathing rapid and shallow, my eyes wide, looking around. It only takes a few seconds to realize it was just a dream and I slowly calm down, put my head back on the pillow and wonder if I should go shut the bathroom window.
And I don't want to leave my front dooe unlocked at all anymore.
I was at home and was getting ready for bed when I heard footsteps on my porch. I peeked out the bathroom window (2nd floor) and saw three young men I didn't recognize, roughly 17, 18 yrs hanging out on my porch. The street I live on is a dead end and it's almost like the whole street is a community 'front yard'. It's really cool that way. So while I thought 'who the hell are those kids and why are they on my porch', I also thought okay, maybe they don't realize this is my house, not the kid's they're hanging out with. My kid was in bed asleep in the dream.
And I almost forgot to mention, these kids all had their faces painted circus clown style, red, blue, white, but sloppy, like Halloween make up.
So I peek out underneath the blind again and I see them there (although this is actually physically impossible with my actual house, but let's suspend reality) and I look around the street and realize all the other kids have gone in, but these boys are still there. Then I hear one of them try my door, which is thankfully locked. My first reaction is to yell at them to get the hell off my porch but for once in my life I'm thinking it might be safer to shut the hell up and they'll go away. And they're not really doing anything other than hanging out on my porch. And I notice my dog isn't barking and I find this odd. He doesn't bark at familiar people or sounds.
I continue getting ready for bed and just before I slip under the sheets I look again and see then heading off down the street. I think I see a beer in one of their hands but my subconscious could have inserted this apres-dream for effect.
So I crawl into bed relieved they're wandering away. But not minutes later I hear my doorknob (downstairs) rattle again and I hear them again and I know they're trying to get into my house. I think they think my house is empty and they want to just come in and hang out and drink beer but what will they do when they get in and realize there are people in here, and one lonely female with a child at that.
Feeling the panic rise I reach for the cordless phone by my bed but find it's gone dead because my daughter left it off the base too long. Trying to be quiet I curse and sneak into the hallway to get a different cordless. Sidenote: I don't know why I'm being quiet and sneaking beause they actually haven't gotten into the house at this point. In the dream I feel like if they hear me they'll bust into the house to get me. And I don't have a cordless phone on a table in the hallway.
I try to muffle the sound of pressing the buttons for 911 by hiding in a corner of the room and covering it with a blanket. I also don't want to wake my daughter up because she'd panic more than me. I can hear them moving around outside my house, looking for a way in. The line rings and an automated voice tells me I've reached 911 and they're going to pass me to an operator... and it rings... and the doorknob rattles a little harder, they laugh... it rings... are they at the back of the house... it continues to ring and no one is picking up and I'm thinking if they don't hurry up it'll be too late... and it's still ringing and I'm panicing and my breathing is rapid and shallow and I'm suddenly terrified...
And I wake up with a start, breathing rapid and shallow, my eyes wide, looking around. It only takes a few seconds to realize it was just a dream and I slowly calm down, put my head back on the pillow and wonder if I should go shut the bathroom window.
And I don't want to leave my front dooe unlocked at all anymore.
Monday, July 11, 2005
I am on mental vacation.
I have no deep thoughts or scandalous behaviour to report.
I'm in one of my everyone-can-just-fuck-off moods.
I am pondering alot of things at the moment and don't wish to share. I may later, but not just yet. Probably not though.
Check out my links. Those people have lots of things to say.
I have no deep thoughts or scandalous behaviour to report.
I'm in one of my everyone-can-just-fuck-off moods.
I am pondering alot of things at the moment and don't wish to share. I may later, but not just yet. Probably not though.
Check out my links. Those people have lots of things to say.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The Perfect Drug indeed...
That's right... hands and knees baby... don't stop there... keep goin'...
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
The Downward Spiral
I hate when the week starts out like this cause it just screws you up for the whole rest of the week. Sunday night I can't sleep for whatever reason. I think someone put caffeine in my evening decaf. Bastards. Don't they realize I can't handle the C like I used to when I smoked?! Don't they realize what they're doing to me?! Like I'm not hyper enough as it is!
Anyway... so I can't sleep which means I'm a useless piece of overtired sludge Monday morning. So Monday evening comes and what happens? Power nap on the couch... which means I'm not tired at bedtime... which means AGAIN I don't get to bed at a decent hour and AGAIN I wake up feeling like I've been on a three day vodka bender. Oh the memories. Good times, good times.
So I need to do anything I can NOT to fall asleep in front of the Simpsons this evening. I need to stay sitting upright otherwise I'll be snoozing. This is my mission and I choose to accept it.
A random thought from my overly tired mind... Trent Reznor circa 'The Perfect Drug' was one hot mutha fuckah. When he's crawling along the floor in that video *shivers* Oh yeah baby. Come to mama. Now he just looks like someone's dad who got sober and cut his hair. *shivers for a different reason* Someone throw that man a quart of vodka and take away his Supercuts card.
Hahahahahaha... I swear sometimes my life feels like I'm on a 24/7 reality show. Saturday nite my Married Friend dedicated a song to me... called me by name from his microphone then sang 'Keep Your Hands To Yourself' to me, saying something like this is what I say to him, or something. I was drunk, I don't remember the exact words, but the jist was pretty clear as I danced and laughed. Anyway... it just came on the radio and I started laughing... and wondering who was there from the radio station to witness me and my friend in all our drunken glory.
Good times, good times.
And why does my co-worker smell like beer this morning? How odd.
Anyway... so I can't sleep which means I'm a useless piece of overtired sludge Monday morning. So Monday evening comes and what happens? Power nap on the couch... which means I'm not tired at bedtime... which means AGAIN I don't get to bed at a decent hour and AGAIN I wake up feeling like I've been on a three day vodka bender. Oh the memories. Good times, good times.
So I need to do anything I can NOT to fall asleep in front of the Simpsons this evening. I need to stay sitting upright otherwise I'll be snoozing. This is my mission and I choose to accept it.
A random thought from my overly tired mind... Trent Reznor circa 'The Perfect Drug' was one hot mutha fuckah. When he's crawling along the floor in that video *shivers* Oh yeah baby. Come to mama. Now he just looks like someone's dad who got sober and cut his hair. *shivers for a different reason* Someone throw that man a quart of vodka and take away his Supercuts card.
Hahahahahaha... I swear sometimes my life feels like I'm on a 24/7 reality show. Saturday nite my Married Friend dedicated a song to me... called me by name from his microphone then sang 'Keep Your Hands To Yourself' to me, saying something like this is what I say to him, or something. I was drunk, I don't remember the exact words, but the jist was pretty clear as I danced and laughed. Anyway... it just came on the radio and I started laughing... and wondering who was there from the radio station to witness me and my friend in all our drunken glory.
Good times, good times.
And why does my co-worker smell like beer this morning? How odd.
Monday, July 04, 2005
I Don't Like Mondays
I'm having the worst Monday I've had in a long time. Woke up late which meant I got to work late. Just 7 minutes but still not good. I came in here to problems that happened over the weekend that were out of my control but it still affected my customers which meant I've spent most of the day so far trying to get them fixed up. I realized I had some kind of stain on my shirt in the afternoon and if that wasn't enough I spilled coffee on the other side of my shirt and left pant leg.
At least I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and dished a bit on a few people. That was about the only bright spot in this otherwise craptacular day.
I've been thinking more and more about my friend with the 'luggage' (aka: wife and kids) and I don't know why. Horny & lonely? Maybe. Maybe just tired of saying no while I stay home alone every freakin' weekend. I never should have posted about him in the first place cause that's what made me start thinking about him alot more... 'in that way'. And before y'all jump all over me I know it's wrong and blah blah blah. Like everything else, this too shall pass. I hope. Although I feel my resolve slipping away like a blob of butter across a hot frying pan.
*drums fingers*
At least I got to see a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and dished a bit on a few people. That was about the only bright spot in this otherwise craptacular day.
I've been thinking more and more about my friend with the 'luggage' (aka: wife and kids) and I don't know why. Horny & lonely? Maybe. Maybe just tired of saying no while I stay home alone every freakin' weekend. I never should have posted about him in the first place cause that's what made me start thinking about him alot more... 'in that way'. And before y'all jump all over me I know it's wrong and blah blah blah. Like everything else, this too shall pass. I hope. Although I feel my resolve slipping away like a blob of butter across a hot frying pan.
*drums fingers*
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