Night of the Living Dead

Last weekend, the weekend of the music festival, my original plans fell through big time. At 8:30 that evening, I was showered and looking fine... then the phone call came and I had NO ONE to go with. I was somewhere between pissed and ready to run to my room crying. It had been so long since I've been out I was not a happy camper.

However, I took inspiration from another blog I read (waves at Hope) and I put on my big girl panties and went by myself. This is major for me. I have this thing about not going to things by myself. I'm sure this goes back to high school days (don't all our adult psychosis somehow stem from high school?). But this time I said to myself... Self (because that is my name), you're not going to sit home and sulk and wake up tomorrow and wish you went... so I sucked back 3 coolers and toddled off. (I figured I'd probably run into people I knew anyway so hold back presenting the purple heart this time.)

It was okay. There were SO many people there I was merely one small cell in the petri dish. I did run into a few people I knew but surprisingly not many. So I had a few more drinks and took my newfound courage up the street to the bar. I had a drink up there and again, not seeing anyone I knew decided I had enough and just as I turned to leave... like a bad fucking movie from the 50's I felt a hand on my arm and when I turned to see who had accosted me so and to tell him to "Unhand me sir!", it was one of my ex's who I'm sure I've mentioned here before. Yes, yes I have. He's the guy with one light bulb he'd move from room to room. We'll call him... Trevor.

Now I could go on and on and on about 'Trevor' because we had a thing that dragged on literally for years. I wanted him, he didn't want me; then when I decided I didn't want him anymore, then I can't get rid of him. He turned into a phuque buddy that just wouldn't go away. I gave him a few chances thinking he'd smarten up but after so many years and counselling from my best friend (what the fuck are you doing?! you're too good for that idiot! Jesus just DUMP him already! GAWD woman!) I saw the light and told him we just had different goals in life (*eye roll*) and it was time that we just move on with our lives.

Now what IS IT with guys that they hear the words coming out of our mouths but they figure if they just go away for a few months that maybe we'll just forget what we said, then they come back and act like nothing happened? I swear to christ 'Trevor' was spewing the exact same shit that's been coming out of his mouth since the day I met him. Every single time I see him he blathers on about how he's gonna 1) stop drinking 2) start saving his money 3)get back to the gym ... yadda... yadda... yadda. Then he'll start bringing up things from the past that he perceives as good times we had together. *yawn* I swear to god I never heard have the shit coming out of his mouth. I didn't need to. I've heard it all before. Repeatedly. If he really meant it he'd just do it instead of talking about it all the time. And yes, I've said that to him before too 'Well then why don't you just fucking DO IT?'

calming breaths... happy place happy place happy place...

So he's yapping on like a chihuahua on meth and I'm pretty much ignoring him really, then he asks where I'm going when I leave the bar. Home I 'magine. He suggests coming with me. Nooooo I don't think so Tim. Then he says and may buddha strike me dead if I'm lying 'Oh, you wanna pick up someone else?' I looked at him with The Face and said 'I dont' wanna pick up anyone.' This is another thing that always irritated me about him. Guys are pretty obsessed with sex as a general rule, but he takes the fucking cake. And he's not even any good at it. But I digress.

So I say no, I'm not looking to 'score' (*eye roll again*) and he says 'Oh, well you'll let me walk ya home though right?' and I start to laugh. Obviously he thinks everyone is as stupid as he is. I shake my head no, I dont' think so. He says 'What? I can walk ya home right?' like maybe I'll give him a different answer this time, and again I shake my head and say no, I don't think that's a very good idea (cause I'd never get rid of him) and he actually gets all huffy and I can't even remember what he said, but I think he said something about going to find someone else then and disappears through the crowd. Hahahah what a fucking maroon. All I could do is stand there and laugh.

And all of this occurred after when he asked if I was seeing someone, I said yes. That seems to be the line he won't cross, the one thing that keeps him away from me. But I decided to make it a good one and tell him he was married, just to see what kind of reaction I'd get. Mr "I'll Fuck Anything With a Pulse" actually asked me why I'd give myself to a man that wouldn't be there for me. I gave him The Look and said 'well, that's the pot calling the kettle black isn't it?' I don't even know if he understood.

I don't know why I let him irritate me so much. I dealt with him and dismissed of him easily enough but he just angers me so much cause he just doesn't get it. I don't know why this is important to me. It's not really. He means nothing to me anymore. I guess it's just beause I can't understand why he doesn't seem to get that his shot is LONG LONG gone and I'm SO tired of hearing all his woulda/coulda/shoulda. I think next time I see him I just need to tell him to go away that I don't want to talk to him. I don't like to do that, but I'm so tired of listening to his bullshit that it beats the alternative.

Thank you for listening.