Well I can't say I wasn't forewarned.
I can't say I didn't see it coming.
I hoped it wouldn't. But of course my luck just isn't that good.
I was like the little dutch boy with his finger in the damn, trying vainly to stop that impending floodwaters from breaking through and drowning everything in it's path.
I've felt on the verge of something... something big for the past couple months. Right now I'm too stunned and heartbroken to figure out if this will be a good or bad thing. There is a part of me that's jumping up and down in glee, rejoicing that that I'm finally free from the shackles that held me bound to a life I was smothering in.
But another part of me... the part that just likes to coast and go with the flow is already popping tylenol and reaching for the wine.
*sigh*
I have options. I'm not concerned to the point I'm freaking out. I'm sad it came to this. It feels like a large part of my life has come to an end. Perhaps I'm overdramatizing but that's how I feel at this moment.
But that little guy that's jumping up and down inside me is asking if I'm fucking crazy... this is what I've been waiting for. Someone made the decision for me and I should be thrilled.
Maybe I will be in a few days, after the shock wears off. If it was just me I had to worry about I'd have been gone five minutes after the words were spoken, a big wave, a smile, an 'It's been a slice, catch ya on the flipside' as I walk out the door into the sunshine wondering what adventure awaits me now.
But it's not just me. Because I have been given the privledge of knowing what the Grand Plan is for me in my life, I know what I'm supposed to do now. But I'm overwhelmed with decisions. There are too many things to think about and it just makes my head hurt.
Where one door closes... another opens.
Someone remind me of this in a week or two.
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5 comments:
I'll mark it in my calendar to send you weekly email msgs saying 'door closed, door opened'. I still can't believe it happened, even though we knew it was a possibility, but I'm with the little voice in your head. I know this is a good thing in the long run. Still, I know exactly how you're feeling. Even when it happened to me and I knew it was a good thing, it felt like a death because it had been such a huge part of my life for so long. Still, looking back now, I'm glad it happened because I had other things I should have been giving priority and now I've made that change and I'm much happier for it. And just think - now you're one step closer to being able to call me up and saying 'hey, let's go to Chapters and get a latte' whenever you want.
aaaaawwwwww... thanx for the smile.
I know this had to happen. In my heart of hearts it was the only way because you and I both know I have to get off this path. I'm stagnating, staring out the window wondering what people with lives are doing.
And that's not to say doing something completely different because I love what I do... for the most part... and I'm good at it. But the surrounding bullshit must change. That's the part that's suffocating me. I can hear the mildew growing on my brain and I'm drowning in monotony and me and boredom are not a good combination. Bad things happen when I utter the words "I'm bored". When left to my own devices too long I think too much and again... bad things happen.
I feel refreshed this morning, my brain already churning with the possibilities that lay ahead of me. Goddess forgive me, but I'm excited because I know this is the next step. October she said. October he said. And October it is so bring it on. I'm ready for ya.
I was thinking that last night, how Deb had said that. It's written in the stars baby. I'm glad you're feeling more centred on it this morning. The initial freak out is just par for the course I think. Then the brain clears and things start to, piece by piece fall into place.
Remember that dream I had a year or two ago with the abacus, and the wooden beads sliding around and someone saying things are 'falling into place' and I just had to be patient because it was all going to work out? I've never forgotten that dream and as things have happened over the last couple years I see another bead drop and as painful as it might have been at the time I know it had to be in the long run. Just think of this past year alone. I couldn't be getting a bigger cosmic kick in the ass if the KG's didn't come down from on high and smack me around themselves.
I feel an odd zen like peacefulness this morning because I know this is what is meant to be. Maybe I'm getting over dramatic but I need change in my life and I needed this.
I hear ya! I was in the same boat a few years ago and as much as it hurts to say goodbye to the familiar, the exciting tingle of starting a new phase in your life and totally changing things up is worth the stress of going thru the change in the end.
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