The Freak Show

Lavalife… match.com… eharmony… yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Singles sights. They’ve come a long way from the days when you’d just DIE if someone found out you had a profile on one of these sites and god forbid actually going on blind dates with people you met there. It seems to be almost passe now, not even an eyebrow raised at the mention you met your current paramour on Lavalife.

What I like is the anonymity and the fact that you get to know each other first on an intellectual (or sometimes not) level before you decide if you’d like to take it to the next step. You’re getting a feel for the important stuff first before you get sucked in by the eye candy (again- or not) and your judgement is not clouded by the visual. Because let’s face it, the visual gets your attention but there’s got to be substance to hold it… unless your name is Nick Lachey because obviously he doesn’t give a crap about things like IQ levels or where his partner stands on the whole Middle East crisis. But I digress.

There are a WHOLE bunch of different kinds of menfolk out there. A virtual cacophony of varied types looking for different things. And I’ll tell ya… some of them are just fucking SCARY.

For your amusement I’ve taken the liberty of copying/pasting some of the more interesting profiles I found today. Just today. So multiply this by ohhhhhh… 365.

"I am a old fashing county boy down to eath,I like simple thing in life. I take prid in what i do,and in life. I been hurt in life with my heart, it's going to take a special person to open my heart again to find true love"
*Well, I hope it’s a special person with a TRANSLATOR who can figure out what the fuck you’re trying to say. Anyone here speak Klingon? Anyone?

"just tring this out to see if there is any people that want to hang out and party or what ever.i am married but don't let that stop you from clicking.fun guy just wants fun times.i have six tattoos and two earrings.want to know more ask i will answer"
*Yes I want to know more… I want to know why a married guy who thinks his six tattoos and two earrings (not just one but TWO) automatically give him a ‘Cool Pass’ thinks it’s wise to put this, along with his PICTURE on a singles website looking for ‘fun times’. Better start hiding the assets fucknuts.

"Just a man lokking for fun as i am bored and do not like being bored."
*You could try reading a few pages out of the dictionary to alleviate that boredom. Maybe take a grammar class or three.

"hi, i consider myself unique. When they made me they threw away the mold and shredded the instructions LOL. I am currently working towards a military career."
*LOL… -sigh- … lol’ng should be outlawed. It’s irritating. Excessive LOL’ng gets you booted and blocked from my world. It’s the crutch for the intellectually handicapped

"Hi girls! I enjoy sex, reading, music, soccer, drinking, hanging at the bar, partying, cooking, and sex. I would like to find a girl that is independent and likes to go out and have a good time."
*And if you could see this guy, it’s no small wonder he mentions sex twice because with a mug like that he ain’t nevah gonna get none so he wants to ensure the ladies know what his intentions are right from the get go

"Hey there! Just checking out this site. Seems pretty cool so far. I'm 34 yrs old and 5'4" tall. I enjoy working out, hockey, playing guitar, and just hanging out. I am studying to be a pharmacist. More later. Bye for now."
*And behind him in his living room you can see huge wall hangings, one that reads Stanley Cup, the other Maple Leafs. In his LIVING ROOM. 34 years old. Hockey flags. In his living room. –sigh-. He reminds me of the guy I dated that lived in a small apartment- bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom. One working lightbulb. He’d just unscrew it and take it from room to room where it was required. I shit you not. May God/Buddha/ Allah/the Grand Poobah strike me dead if I’m lying.

So you see what us single gals have to wade through to find even one half decent candidate. Although it is a good source of entertainment on a quiet workday to wade through this unending parade of freaks.

But it’s not fair to paint them all with the same brush. I’ve dated quite a few nice, normal guys I’ve met on singles sights. The trick is to take your time and chat a few times to make sure you’re riding the same wave before you dive into the first date. And trust your gut. I can’t stress this enough. If some guy sends you a picture of his bare ass for no apparent reason then denies it and says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about because all he was doing was cleaning out some files on his computer… deep breath… I think it’s best to move on because I think there are some real issues at play there.

Is it any wonder I’m still single?