Loosen Up My Buttons

Wow... it's dusty in here... *cough cough*....

So my blogging went by the wayside for a number of reasons; lack of time being a major factor, but at some point the Sprog discovered I had a blog and made it her mission to go find it. Being the smart cookie she is, she did. I realized at that point I needed the relative anonymity to be able to post from the heart, which was kinda the point of this for me. I realized I wasn't doing this for anyone other than myself which was the purpose in the beginning, but nice to know it stayed that way.

But it's also made me feel like I'm talking to myself sometimes. Oh well. I seem to have a reputation for doing that anyway. At least there's less arguing that way.

So I'm going to look into seeing if I can move the whole shebang under a new url. Any suggestions on how to do that are welcome.

In the meantime I can certainly throw some stuff out there that won't traumatize her should she decide to come back here before I get it moved.

Year 1 in the Big City has been pretty good, all things considered. Hit a number of financial snags that have pretty much wiped out the savings account; bad tenants in the house that cost me money, then no tenants for a couple months; many, MANY car repairs .... yup, that pretty much caused the bulk of the financial suckage. January promises to ease the burden and just in the nick of time as I'm down to the last $50 in my savings account. I'll be getting rent this month, GST cheque comes end of the week, work bonus comes in Feb and Income tax shortly thereafter so the coffers will be filled back up soon enough. It's just a little nerve wracking in the meantime.

Sadly there have been no great adventures, romances, significant events associated with the move to the city... however, I feel my mental health has improved exponentially. I remember somewhere around April, May of this past year sitting on the bus on the way home, looking out the window watching the scenery pass and the oddest feeling came over me. I stared blankly out the window and slowly realized at that particular moment absolutely nothing was bothering me, upsetting me, worrying me... nothing. And it was at that moment that it occurred to me how long it had been since I'd been 'happy'. Not to sound like a dime store novel but it felt foreign and new to have that feeling again, and somewhat disturbing to realize how long it had been since the last time I had been 'happy'. And I could probably put a date on it. Jan 25, 2001. That was the day my mom got sick and everything has pretty much spiraled down from that point. Not everything stemmed from that... perhaps it did... I dunno... but looking back now that just seemed to be the point of no return.

But I don't want to talk about all that today. I think I've finally... FINALLY... dealt with the last five years of all encompassing shit. I still harbour some resentments but hey, I ain't perfect. If I didn't hold on to some of it I wouldn't be on top of my game when the day of reckoning is at hand.

So what else... oh yeah dating... phft.... met a few guys and had set up two dates, one back in the spring and one not so long ago and neither of them came to fruition. One came as close as to me almost getting stood up. Luckily I checked my email to discover he had gotten called into work. Really don't think I buy that load of bologna and I haven't talked to him since. I think he just chickened out at the last minute, which I almost did too, but instead of apologizing later he never spoke to me again. Yeah whatever assclown. Your loss honey.

But in another extremely interesting twist... I have mentioned 'MF' a few times, my 'married friend' .... well guess what... Put away the mittens and gloves, Hell DID freeze over boys and girls because he is now "SF", my Seperated soon-to-be-divorced friend. And yes, I am all OVER that. And have been. Tee hee.

I thought about it long and hard (snicker) because he is still back in Castle Rock. I even told him he has the WORST timing ever. But the last 12 years (according to him it's been 12 years) of flirt but don't touch, countless close calls have come to an end. And in all honesty when he told me the news I thought oh crap... and I really didn't know where that came from until the other night when I was going back through this blog and found a conversation I had with myself about how I enjoyed being the object of someone's lust and maybe it was better to not destroy the fantasy he had in his head. Apparently in my wisdom of over a year ago I told him I had just become a habit now and the fantasy was undoubtedly far better than the reality and he should thank me for not ruining that for him.

But apparently after a few Schmirnoff Ice all bets are off. Fantasy schmatasy this girl got NEEDS man!! ahahahahhahah I'm such a tool. And... *bites nail* it wasn't as ... explosive as I thought it would be after 12 years of foreplay. Nerves, and perhaps one cooler too many played a part in that. But I definitely had fun and don't regret a second of it. And it will happen again.

And lord above wasn't it heavenly to go out with a man who picked me up, took me out, didn't ignore me until it was time to leave. He introduced me to EVERYONE he knew, which is alot of people, I can't even remember half of them. He sat close, subtle touches that made me warm and fuzzy, held my hand going through the crowd... and then.... and THEN... he took me Xmas shopping the next day (I had shit to finish) and carried all my bags for me all afternoon. That was more than I expected.

But alas, the reality, because there's always an ugly reality is he's there and I'm here and I thought it was far too early to have a discussion on exactly what the hell we're doing here. However at some point, and soon, it must be done because I value his friendship and we need to be on the same page to avoid hurt feelings... mainly mine probably. He IS just out of a marriage so maybe he's not ready to jump into a relationship, and a long distance one at that. But there have been some promising text msgs and I'll admit sometimes I expect too much so I'm trying not to get too unreasonable. And I'll be the first to admit I'm a bit of a game player, but if I like you you'll know it. I'm just trying to guage if you like me back and just how much.

So I'll just coast on that for a bit and see where it goes. But if I sense it's going in the direction that it's going to adversely affect our friendship than ... well ya know... our friendship was based on his obsession with me so ya know. whatever. I dunno.

And the Sprog is moping around here being her usual miserable 13 yr old self so my concentration is off. And speaking of.... I wasn't supposed to post anything that would traumatize her was I.... oooopppsss.

np: "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off"- Panic at the Disco (they really need to condense those song titles)